Anger is a common reaction to events that seem unfair or that you have been victimized. Research shows that anger is especially common when you’ve been betrayed by someone else. This is most common in trauma cases involving exploitation or violence.
Anger is a normal, healthy emotion, neither good nor bad. Like any emotion, it sends a message that the situation is frustrating, unfair, or threatening. However, if your automatic reaction to anger is to explode, the message never gets a chance to get through. So, while it’s perfectly normal to feel angry when you’ve been mistreated or treated unfairly, it can become a problem when anger is expressed in a way that hurts you or others.
Some people cannot control their anger and tend to have outbursts of anger. Anger can lead to physical abuse or violence. A person who cannot control their temper may isolate themselves from family and friends. Some angry people have low self-esteem and use their anger to manipulate others and feel powerful.
Anger can leave permanent scars on those you love the most and affect friendships and work relationships. Explosive anger can make it difficult for others to trust you, speak honestly, or feel comfortable—and this can be especially harmful to children.
The Mayo Clinic suggests the following anger management tips:
1. Think before you speak
In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to say something you’ll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything. Also, allow others involved in the situation to do the same.
2. Once you’re calm, express your concerns
As soon as you’re thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but nonconfrontational way. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them.
3. Get some exercise
Physical activity can help reduce stress that can cause you to become angry. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk, or run. Or spend some time doing other enjoyable physical activities.
4. Take a timeout
Timeouts aren’t just for kids. Give yourself short breaks during times of the day that tend to be stressful. A few moments of quiet time might help you feel better prepared to handle what’s ahead without getting irritated or angry.
5. Identify possible solutions
Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Does your child’s messy room make you upset? Close the door. Is your partner late for dinner every night? Schedule meals later in the evening. Or agree to eat on your own a few times a week. Also, understand that some things are simply out of your control. Try to be realistic about what you can and cannot change. Remind yourself that anger won’t fix anything and might only make it worse.
6. Stick with ‘I’ statements
Criticizing or placing blame might only increase tension. Instead, use “I” statements to describe the problem. Be respectful and specific. For example, say, “I’m upset that you left the table without offering to help with the dishes” instead of “You never do any housework.”
7. Don’t hold a grudge
Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your bitterness or sense of injustice. Forgiving someone who angered you might help you both learn from the situation and strengthen your relationship.
8. Use humor to release tension
Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Use humor to help you face what’s making you angry and any unrealistic expectations you have for how things should go. Avoid sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse.
9. Practice relaxation skills
When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as “Take it easy.” You might also listen to music, write in a journal, or do a few yoga poses — whatever it takes to encourage relaxation.
10. Know when to seek help
Learning to control anger can be a challenge at times. Seek help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret, or hurts those around you.
