InMindOut Blog

Military families come in all shapes, sizes, and many cultural backgrounds. The main commonality is the idea that they have someone that they love who serves and protects our country. This of course brings a whole new dynamic to these families as a whole. As I wrote in my previous piece, the military lifestyle is full of different challenges that these families must face on a regular basis. It is important to note that these challenges cause each military family to develop their own strengths.

What are some of the strengths of these family units? Military families can have a strong sense of unity when it comes to working together and creating a working family system. This can come from the fact that the lifestyle itself comes with a regular amount of change (i.e. moving, deployments, etc.). Because these families often move to a place where there is not a consistent support system established, they often have to rely on each other to feel secure and adapt to a new environment. This does depend, however, on the family itself.

Second, military families have a strong sense of adaptability. As I mentioned before, change is common in the military lifestyle. This leads to consistent changes in the environment, and to many family members having to find new ways to cope with each change.

Third, there is a strong sense of independence in military families. The military culture is steeped in independence as well as a strong sense of constantly moving forward. This of course, impacts the family by causing them to not always reach out and ask for help if that is not necessary. This can often lead to a strong sense of personal responsibility and proactive behaviors.

Fourth, military families are open to trying new things and exploring new cultures. Many military families are stationed overseas in different countries, which can expose them to different ideologies and people. Even living on a military base can lead to a new cultural exposure in some way. Many military children make friends with children from different backgrounds due to where they live and where they might go to school. As a result, military children can be very open and friendly with other people from different backgrounds. Even after the service member retires, the family tends to be open to exploring new things in their community.

Every family has their own set of strengths. Military families are no exception. It is important to see how we can focus on those strengths and encourage their growth.

I’m sure that we’ve seen these clips before. We’ve seen the clips where military family members run to greet the service member who has just come home from a long deployment. From a civilian point of view, it is hard to understand why these family members get so excited at seeing their loved one come home. After all, it’s just a job right? If you really delve into the military culture, however, you will find that their lives are more than just their job. It’s an entire lifestyle that is very different from most of the country. In order to really understand military culture, you have to understand the challenges that many families in the military face.  

First, it’s not just the airman, the soldier, the sailor, or the marine that serves. The entire family serves right along with them. What does that mean you may ask? Military family members often have to give up something in order to support their loved one in the service. This may come in the form of a military spouse putting their career aside due to the frequent moves. Other forms of it may be that the immediate family unit is separated from extended family members, thus not having extra support around when deployments come. Even the children have to give up a set of friends and a school whenever it comes time to move.

Second, the military lifestyle is all about frequent change. A military family may stay in a duty station for at least 2-3 years, four if they’re lucky. This means that spouses have to quit and find new jobs, kids have to go to a different school with different friends, and the family also has to find a new house to live in. Additionally, there is the change that comes with the service member’s inevitable deployments. This forces the family to learn how to adapt to new environments fairly quickly.

Third, deployments are not easy paths to navigate. All military children are faced with the deployment of a family member at some point during this service stint. Some children are able to adapt and able to cope with their mom, dad, or both parents being gone for long lengths of time. While other children have a very hard time with accepting that their parent has to go. Many children ask the questions, “Why does my mommy or daddy have to go? Why can’t they be at my ballet recital? Why can’t they see me at my game? Why do they have to miss celebrating major holidays with us?” There are no easy answers to these questions. Military spouses often have to take up the mantle of maintaining both roles as parents to their children while the other spouse is deployed. This means that one parent is responsible for the care and discipline of the children, most of the time without consistent support. There is also the additional stress of maintaining the household and making sure that everything is taken care of while the service member is deployed.

Fourth, many military families may struggle with adjusting to civilian life after the service member retires or is discharged for some reason. This can come in the form of not being able to find stable employment, dealing with the after affects of PTSD, or even learning how to live with the service member again in the home after them being gone for so long. There is also the added stress of many military service members coming home with serious physical injuries due to combat.

Now that we understand the challenges of military families, how can we as a community provide them with support?

1. Be welcoming to military families in your community. Many families move to communities and often feel like the outsiders. Knowing that there are people that will welcome them into their inner circle, often gives military families a huge bolster of support. This is a huge component when it comes to coping with deployments. 

2. Be attentive to practical needs in military families. Military spouses are the main person that has to keep the “home front” up and running while the service member is deployed. This can be very overwhelming to a spouse who is new to a certain duty station and does not know where resources are. If you know of a military family that could use a little bit of extra help locating resources, then reach out to them and see what it is that they need.

3. If you know of a military family who is getting ready to go through a deployment, reach out to them and see if you can’t be part of their support system. Military spouses can often feel isolated and alone without the service member there with them. Having a strong network of friends and family who can help them if they need it can provide a sense of reassurance and make coping with the separation a little easier.

4. Recognize and respect the service and sacrifice of our military personnel. Many military service members come back home with significant injuries or combat related stress. Many military family members have the difficult task of getting their loved one back to health, and that journey tends to be a very long and arduous one. Many military veterans or active duty personnel tend to go throughout life without even hearing a “thank you” from the people that they fought to protect. If you have the opportunity to meet veterans or active duty personnel, please take the time to thank them for their service. 

Military families make up a very unique part of our society here in the United States. It is important that we recognize the differences, but also the common factors that make them just like us. At the end of the day, they are families that live a different lifestyle, but they still need love and support just like any other family.

When I was working with college students at a busy University, we were sponsoring a program for young people on leadership skills.  During the program one young man seemed to get agitated and then started having a panic attack.  His girlfriend got him outside the program area to the lobby. I met them there and took them to my office.  While his girlfriend went to look for a paper bag, I had the young man breathe with me and to listen to my voice and do what I ask him to do.  Just as his girlfriend came back with the paper bag, he was breathing in a regular rhythm, and his body was becoming to calm.  He and his girlfriend stayed for a while and we processed what had happened. 

   From this insistence, I began to appreciate how deep breathing can really help calm stress. The breath is linked to both the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. The breath reflects when we are in high stress and when we are calm and relaxed.  Our deep breathing can affect our heart rate.  There is something called the vagal nerve that wraps around your internal organs that can affect heart rate and digestive functioning.  The deep breathing activates the vagal nerve which then lowers the heart rate which in turns calms the body. Deep breathing is just one specific way to calm your body when stressed.

    I find clients with high anxiety often report their minds are racing.  These clients often report that they try the deep breathing but then the think about if they are doing it right or trying to check and see if it is working and end up getting agitated about trying the deep breathing.  With these clients I ask them to think of a word or phrase for the inhale and for the exhale, i.e. I breathe in peace and I exhale stress.  I ask the client to think the phrase for each inhale and exhale as they are doing it.  I might also ask the client to count a 3 or 4 breath, i.e., Inhale to count for count of three, hold for a count of three and   exhales to a count of three.  I find some clients need to engage and slow down their mind for deep breathing to work.

    Utilizing grounding exercise with deep breathing has helped some clients feels calmer before a test or before work.  I ask the clients to be seated in a chair with a back. I ask the client to put their feet flat on the ground, to feel the chair with their bask and to place their hands palms down on their thighs.  Then I ask the client to take four deep breaths.  I ask them to pay attention to the intake and exhale of the breath. While breathing in say, “I breathe in safety and peace.” and when breathing out to say, “I breath out anxiety.”

  The self-calming techniques can really help when you feel stressed out.  As the song goes, “Breathe…just breathe.”

• Michelle Goodwin, LPC

It has been a year like no other.  It does not seem possible that it has been a year March that we heard from the school districts that we would be taking two weeks for Spring Break and then everyone would be back at school, but it did not happen quite that way.  It seemed every month we were told something different.  We had all-in-shelter and masks and social distancing and for many of us working from home.  Then in the state of Texas, we had “SNOVID” where there was no electricity and/or water in sub degree temperature.  Netflix seemed to flourish but many of us did not.    

   May is Mental Health Awareness month and as we hopefully turn a corner on COVID-19 maybe it is time to really look at the personal toll from these past months.  Many of us were isolated without touching or being with loved ones for an entire year.  Some of us have been feeling really anxious about socializing or being in public.  For some of us the family dynamic shifted in a negative way.   One of the ways to honor mental health awareness is to look at ourselves and see where we are.

5 reasons it might be a good idea to go talk to someone.

1. If you are going through life changes such as an isolating move, divorce or death of family member.  You may need someone who isn’t family to talk through these difficulties and share your grief.
2. If you can not sleep and you cannot quiet your mind.  Your thoughts are racing and there is a sense of unease and anxiety about most things.  You have tried several different things, and nothing seems to work.
3.     If you have had a hard time getting out of bed and feel just exhausted with little or no motivation to do anything.
4. If you find you and your significant other did not grow closer during this time but old issues became even more apparent and the gulf between the two of you has grown larger.
5. If you feel you are at the end of your capacity to handle things, even the small things seem big.

    If you are feeling any of these things then maybe it is time to seek counseling.  You do not need to be in mental distress or emotional pain.  Just as slowly many of us are going back to our doctors for check-ups and are addressing health issues we haven’t in a while maybe it is time to address emotional needs too. Maybe this is the month to be aware of your own mental health.

One of the first questions I ask my client’s during their initial intake is if they have a healthy routine set in place. I would say about 7 out of 10 times, the answer would be NO. Most client’s report a lack of motivation, feeling overwhelmed, or just not knowing where to begin in creating one. First, I feel that it is important to know that establishing a routine is a way to promote health and wellness through structure and organization, according to NM.org and second, studies show that a routine can greatly improve your health overall. Their research further shows that individuals that do not have a routine often suffer from:

-Stress
-Poor Sleep
-Poor Eating
-Poor Physical Condition
-Ineffective use of time

Below are 8 tips from the Naya Clinic for creating a Healthy Routine:

1. Test your new routine for a period, of time to see how it is working for you. Be flexible and don’t forget to modify what is not working.
2. Don’t set yourself up for failure by doing too much. Be realistic—do not expect to accomplish everything in order, to be successful. A routine is meant to act as a guide for your day.
3. Having a routine isn’t about filling every hour of your day with tasks or errands. Sustain some spontaneity, add mental breaks or self-care activities to rejuvenate your energy, and find moments to be grateful for.
4. If tasks seem overwhelming, break them down into smaller, manageable tasks or goals to get your momentum going.
5. Establish and maintain healthy boundaries by having a limit to your routine or the number of tasks. Just as it is possible to be overwhelmed by a lack of schedule or routine, you could overwhelm yourself with too many tasks; find your perfect balance between the two.
6. You can use a daily planner, app on your phone, or notepad to keep track of tasks but figure out what works best for you.
7. Goals are a great way to monitor your progress whether your goal is to do three new self-care activities a week, organize your room, or to meal prep for the week. You can even create three larger goals to accomplish for each week that are your top priorities.
8. With time and consistency, healthy habits transition into healthy routines.

It is important to remember that everyone is unique; and creating a routine should be fun. Remember to celebrate yourself and remember that with time and consistency you will see the benefits not only physically but mentally.

Resources:

https://www.nm.org/healthbeat/healthy-tips/health-benefits-of-having-a-routine

https://www.nayaclinics.com/post/8-tips-for-establishing-a-healthy-routine

       We’ve all heard this statement before, “I’m not enough because….” These words seem innocuous when we first look at them. We may use them to foster a sense of accountability to ourselves, or use them to foster the gumption to complete a goal of some kind. Because, who wants to be lacking in anything right? If we focus on improving our wardrobe, then we’ll be good enough to keep company with certain people. If we put in some extra time at the gym, we’ll be fit enough and maybe attract that perfect person. If I eat the right things, then I’ll be enough. Several months or years later, we are still whispering that statement of “I’m not enough” and we have ultimately run out of strength to continue going because we don’t see progress. This, of course, can lead to anxiety and depression taking over thus making the cycle even worse.

The problem with saying “I’m not enough” in one area of our lives is that it never is just limited to that one part. It spreads to every nook and cranny and fuels us to keep fighting an uphill battle that we may not be meant to fight at all. “I’m not enough” statements can send us on a trajectory towards unhealthy habits in terms of how we treat ourselves and even the people around us. In order to develop a healthy sense of identity, we must take the phrase “I’m not enough” and turn it into “I’m enough.” How do we accomplish this? Below are some tips to foster “I’m enough” moments in your life. 

1. Recognize your uniqueness and accept it. A common problem that we as mental health professionals see nowadays is this general lack of acceptance when it comes to personal character or traits. Many people don’t like who they are, or are taught to not show appreciation for certain traits. The danger of this tendency is that we don’t ever foster value in ourselves and see that we have a part to play in the world around us. Recognizing that we each have a role to play and actually working with that role will help us develop an appreciation of ourselves. Great questions to ask yourself are, “What are my strengths? What do I bring that people can’t live without? What have been some of my accomplishments?” 
2. Don’t just focus on your faults. Do we have faults? Absolutely! We all have things about ourselves that we don’t like and that other people don’t like. The problem that we run into is this hypersensitivity to our faults or flaws. We try to eliminate them from the equation of our existence, and very unsuccessfully. Our faults do not have to define us. Rather they can be used as our greatest asset if we look at how having this fault might add to our character. In fact, there might be a moment where our faults can actually be used to help someone else who is struggling with the same thing. Accepting our faults as being a part of us, and learning to use them to our advantage, or add to our character is an essential component to creating the mindset of “I’m enough.”
3. Avoid comparison traps. We all do this at some point. We have looked at a friend or family member and have run the comparison script through our minds because it looks like they have something that we don’t. Of course they have something that we don’t. That’s because they are not us! We are not meant to be walking the same road as our family members or friends throughout the course of life. We are meant to be walking the road that we are on. Accepting that our journey is not the same as everyone else’s and seeing that it’s not meant to be can be a very freeing experience for each and every one of us. 
4. Gratitude is required. In order to see ourselves as enough, we must be grateful for who we are and what we have. People who are insecure in themselves tend to always want more from each segment of life. This only fosters an attitude of dissatisfaction and a life of complete unrest. Being grateful for our lives just as they are allows space for us to look for the changes that need to be made rather than just ones that we would like to make. 

As I mentioned before, it can be very easy to develop a mindset that tends to say, “I’m not enough.” In order to help protect our own mental health, we need to first exercise the idea of accepting ourselves as we are. Without meeting this need of acceptance in ourselves, we will not be able to live a balanced life as what is necessary in order to sustain our overall health.