Michelle Goodwin

Written by: Michelle Goodwin, LPC – Therapist- San Marcos location

Continuing with the theme of A day at the Beach, this blog focusses on the activities that can be done outside. These activities are designed to keep kids active and everyone in the family can participate. There will be some preparation for activities to happen. Better to decide what activities you can do and then do the preparation for each activity before you tell the kids what you are doing. You may need time to figure out how to adapt to your space. For these activities it will be fun to dress for the beach.

In general:

What to wear: Bathing suits or shorts and loose-fitting tops; sunglasses and hats.

What to have handy: Sunscreen and Beach towels

Activity 1 – Outside Swim Activities (Teenagers can help set up space and participate. After smaller kids participate, have adults compete and or compete against teenagers)

A) Swim relays – You will have to figure out how to set up backyard.

1) Have children line up. Adult says, “On your mark, get set, go!” The kids race moving arms like they are swimming arms while walking really fast.

2) Have children line up. Adult says, “On your mark, get set, go!” The kids move arms like they are swimming arms while hopping.

3) Have children line up. Adult says, “On your mark, get set, go!” The kids move arms like they are swimming arms while running.

4) Have children line up backwards. Adults says, “On your mark, get set, go! The swimmer has to go backwards move arms like they are swimming arms (back stroke) while walking.

B) Surfs Up – Put two beach towels side by side on ground (Old towels you don’t care about)

One kid each (or an adult and kid) on a towel and the adult will say “Surfs up!” and kids pretend to surf and then the adult yells “Wipe out!” and the participants must fall down and have to swim (run) length of yard before getting back on surfboard towels. (repeat as many times as fun)

C) Pool Noodle Race – If you have pool noodles, you can do relays with one person holding the pool noodle or two people holding the same noodle and racing. If you can do the relays with two people holding the noodle, one at each end. Do one race skipping one race walking fast and one race running. If one person is racing against another one person then each must hold the noodle on one shoulder with one hand.

(Relays can be done with beach pails filled with water or inflated beach balls if you have enough.)

Activity 3 – Water activities -Inflatable pools, water guns, water balloons, water balloon volleyball, sprinklers. Kids love participating in all these things. Choose one to do. I know these are generally summer activities, but the weather has been warm, and it is time to play.

Activity 4 – Listen to the surf – Good calming activity when kids start to quiet down. Have each kid lie on a towel or chaise lounge. Have them breathe in slowly through the nose and breath out slowly through the opened mouth. Have kids do in unison (if possible) and tell them that is the sound the sea makes when the tide come in at the beach.*

Part of mental health is having balance in our lives. The nice thing about these activities is you can do just one activity or do one each day or do a Saturday morning of fun! The other thing that is great is once we are not quarantined from each other, you can invite friends and family to do some of these things again. It is important to take some time out of the seriousness of this virus and have some fun. Happy Beach Day!

*Ocean Breath taken from (Therapist Aid, 2015)

Written by: Michelle Goodwin, LPC – Therapist – San Marcos location

The days are getting warmer and we are still in lock down. Why not plan a day at the beach…COVID-19 style? There are inside and outside activities. The weather has been in the 80’s so it may be just the time for out-door water activities. There will be some preparation for activities to happen. Better to decide what activities you can do and then do the preparation for each activity before you tell the kids what you are doing. You may need time to figure out how to adapt to your space. Part one of the blog is to do the inside activity for day at the beach

Activity 1: Collect Seashells –

Collect seashells is a two-part activity: 1st part is coloring shell shells from printable coloring sheets or drawing them freehand and then 2nd part is a collecting shells.

Creating Seashells:

Materials needed printable coloring sheets of seashells from internet. (Free printable coloring sheets: (Pinterest – Coloring Home or Color Pages for Mom) ; 1 sheet with several shells printed on the paper (any where from 6-12 )for each child; crayons; construction paper; scissors and glue sticks.

If kids are young or not crafty, you can have them color and you cut out the shells on the paper and have them glue on construction paper (after coloring) or you can glue it.

Collecting Seashells: There are several ways to do this depending on age and number of kids; space and time.

A) You can collect shells by scotch taping paper shells to one section of a window. Parent provides the tape and each child gets to tape up one shell at a time until a section of the windowpane is covered. Have kids count how many shells they collected together. Have them stand around the window, take picture and post it.

Alternative: If you’d rather not have sticky stuff on window, you can take construction paper and staple together to make a good display sheet and do the activity, or if you have a poster board use that. Another way to display is to cut construction paper to fit on the side of a bookshelf. You can tape the panels on the bookshelf when done. This is especially good if you only have one child or two. Once again have kids count and gather round the shells, take pictures and post.

B) Scavenger hunt – If you have a lot of real seashells at home, one parent or adult could be hiding seashells in other rooms or outside while the coloring is going on in a different room. When they are done with the craft each child gets a plastic bowl (small Tupperware) and searches for seashells. At the end gather kids and take pictures.

At the end of the activity, treats for all. (ice cream, popsicles or whatever you can get in the store.)

Sunday morning, since church was canceled for gathered worship, I decided to go to the grocery store and pick up groceries for the week.  HEB had changed their hours so that they could restock their shelves for the demand of items.  Originally the grocery store is opened at 6:00 am but this Sunday the hours were revised from 6:00 am to being open from 8:00 am.

I arrived at the HEB parking lot at 7:30 am and a line had already formed. I got my basket and stood in line outside the store as a light rain began to fall.  There were in fact 80 people in front of me ( I only know the exact number because they counted us off as we went in the store). By time the line began to move at 8:00 am the HEB staff had informed us they were only letting in 40 customers in at a time and that there were restrictions on water, and toilet paper and they were out of eggs and milk.  By the time my set of forty reached the front entrance, the line of people reached all the way down the end of the row of shops the length of at least 2 city blocks.  The entire experience from the time I arrived at the grocery store until I got in my car took 2 hours.  I was able to get what I needed, and I was grateful.

This grocery shopping experience capped a week in which universities across Texas had decided to extend Spring Break by another week and do tele-learning for a month or in some cases until the end of the semester; nursing homes in our area were put on lock down and two friends couldn’t see love ones face to face and our office among many was trying to determine how to serve clients in safety.  How do you stay calm during such times when so much is unknown, and the news is swift often misleading, and the consequences can be dire?

In times of extreme circumstances, it is difficult not to feel the stress and worry of everything. I think it can be helpful to acknowledge what we can do in these circumstances and face what we cannot and take comfort from those who faced hard times before us.  When I work with anxiety clients, I say let’s look at the situation in small pieces and deal with each individually. I think that may be helpful now.

What we can do:

• Prepare not panic – Some of this comes down to the questions we ask ourselves. What does my family need in the next week or few weeks?  Have my circumstances changed? Will I be working from home and are my kids home? Even in line at the grocery store line this morning a discussion ensued whether it was the media’s or government’s fault for all of this. The truth is in the here and now of our lives what matters is how we react to the situation.  Not that we don’t need to hold government and media accountable, but we must look at is what we can control.  We can control our reactions and actions in the next few days.
• Try to keep family rituals and schedules the same. This helps kids keep a sense of normalcy in the days and weeks ahead.

• During the call for social distancing keep making connections. Big social, entertainment and sporting activities have been canceled and people have been encouraged to stay at home which seem to be essential for the common good.  That means each of us has to work hard not to feel so isolated in the midst of all of this.  Looking online and seeing the people in Italy sing from their balconies to fill the neighborhoods with song is a reminder that we can each find a way to reach out to each other.  It would be good to reach out to relatives and loved ones and see how they are faring through all of this.  Make an extra effort for the elderly and those who are pregnant or hurting in your neighborhood or apartment complex and remember those who live alone.  Call and text more often.  With small children if events have been canceled share their solo or song with family through skype and zoom.  Send cards or jokes or stories via mail and e-mail.  When you start to feel alone, reach out and remind yourself you are not alone.  The entire world is facing this together.  All of us together.

• Remember the medical community. The front-line responders on this are our neighbors and family members who are doing their best in extraordinary times to help everyone else. When you are picking up subscriptions at your drug store why not drop off a thank you note.  Send thoughts prayers and good wishes to the pharmacist and nurses and doctors and emergency personnel who are working the front line for our safety and good health.

• Remember yourself. Do self- care. These are times that none of us have ever faced before.  It is important to share feelings with trusted friend and family and trusted professionals.  Remember deep breathing and meditating and prayer and taking time to do what you need to do to stay centered and calm. Get good sleep.  Eat nutritionally and exercise. Some people not watching the news for a cycle is helpful. Keeping yourself calm and centered is the best way to prepare for the uncertainties that are present and before us.

  Face what we cannot do:

• We cannot tell the future. It is important as we heed medical professional’s directives and take cautionary steps for our own health and that of our families that we do not catastrophize. Catastrophizing is a term that describes seeing the worst-case scenario in each situation.  It leads to sleepless nights and panic and doesn’t solve or make present situations any better.  What can you do?  When doing grounding exercises with PTSD or high anxiety clients it is important to engage the mind, center the body and sooth the sympathetic nervous system.  We ask anxiety clients to take deep breaths but to count the breaths as they go. That way their mind can’t race while doing deep breathing. For PTSD client we ask them to name the colors in the room and to feel the back of the chair so that they can orient themselves to here and now.  We ask client to tense different muscle blocks in their body and release them.  All of these exercises are to help orient to the here and now and deal with what is right in front of the client; to calm the breathing which will lower the vitals of a client and engage the mind so that thoughts don’t escalate emotions.
• Live continually in despair, fear and panic. Things are happening very fast and we are facing an uncertain future. A lot of the solutions may be out of our control.  That is why I started with what we can do and how we can each of us in small ways can move forward. You may feel really really down and hopeless and that is understandable.  If despair descends on you, treat it as a visitation, and not a place to live. Seek help find others to join you and don’t stop until you get the help you need.

Take comfort with those who have faced hard times before us.  The title of this blog is “Keep Calm and Carry On,” which is taken from a slogan that the British adopted during World War II.  Great Britain was among the last countries standing against the invading armies of Germany.  By many accounts they were doomed to fail.  It took military and historical alliances of course to make a difference but the people also in their own way contributed.  As a people, they made it through to the other side and so will we.

Keep calm and carry on.

 

By Michelle Goodwin, LPC, Therapist, San Marcos location

When I was a kid, dinner time meant everyone sitting at the table eating a meal. There might be light banter or a check in to see how school went, who needed to get done chores etc. It was a great way to connect and stay connected. Let me ask you this- when was the last time you and your family sat around the dinner table for a meal? Without distractions such as cell phone, tablets or the TV on? If your one of the dwindling families who makes it a nightly ritual or the mandatory Sunday dining room table dinner for everyone to catch up, the you already know what I am talking about!  Even if you are all around the table- read on, you might get some new conversation starters. If your family isn’t making time at the table or you realize that the only time you gather around the dinner table is for a holiday meal- take notice it’s not too late and it’s still a great way to connect to your kids.

Dinner table discussions allow for parents to tune in to their children’s emotions by talking about how their day went and how it made them feel. Sometimes the chats will be lighthearted and silly, but there will be evenings when the topics are tense. No matter the vibe, it’s always important for parents to create this safe space for their kids to open up, no matter the issue.

Our kids face many new challenges; bullying or even the stress from what the kids watch on television certainly remind us that being a kid isn’t as fun as it used to be. Don’t get me wrong being a kid isn’t the most awful thing, kids still have fun just being kids, but as adults we know that more stressful times can be right around the corner. Parents can use the familiar dinner table platform as a place where families can feel at ease about discussing daily events, hopes and

With work, school and all of the other activities families have going on; it is often the only time they have quality time together to communicate.  After a long day, you may find your family doesn’t have much to say at the dinner table.  Here are a list of 50 Dinner Conversation Starters retrieved from Everyday Family and Family Education.  Feel free to use these or create your own. I have done these lots of time with my clients and we have never run out of questions to add! Engage your kids to create their own list; you might be surprised what kind of questions they are asking!

1. What was the best part of your day?
2. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would it be?
3. If you could be a famous person for a week, who would you be and why?
4. If you could have any superpower, which would you choose?
5. If you had one wish (and you can’t wish for more wishes), what would you wish for and why?
6. If you could eat just one food everyday for a month and nothing else, what would it be?
7. What is your biggest fear?
8. What is one way you helped another person today?
9. If you could trade places with your parents for a day, what would you do differently?
10. if you could have one dream come true, what would it be?
11. If you could pick your own name, what would it be?
12. If you could be animal, what would you be and why?
13. Which character in a book best describes you and why?
14. If you could see your future, where will you be in ten years?
15. If you could be a famous person for a week, who would you be and why?
16.   If you could have any pet, what would you choose and why?
17. What is your favorite childhood memory?
18. What three words would you use to describe yourself?
19. What are the qualities that make you a good friend?
20. What is the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you?
21. What is your favorite movie and why?
22. What is your favorite family tradition?
23. What is your favorite sport to play?
24. If you could play any instrument, what would it be and why?
25. What is your favorite holiday and why?
26. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
27. What is your favorite book and why?
28. What has been the happiest day of your life so far and why?
29. What do you want to be when you grow up and why?
30. Where would you like to go on our next family vacation?
31. What is one thing you could have done better today?
32. Who is one person in your life you are thankful for and why?
33. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever eaten?
34. What is your earliest memory?
35. What is your most embarrassing moment?
36. What is your least favorite chore?
37. If you could only eat three foods the rest of your life, what would they be?
38. If you could have dinner with anyone (past or present), who would it be and why?
39. If you could stay up all night, what would you do?
40. What is the most beautiful place you have ever seen?
41. What is one thing you couldn’t live without?
42. Who is your best friend and why?
43. If you had to live in another country, which one would you choose?
44. What is your greatest talent or ability?
45. What two items would you grab if your house was on fire?
46. If you could travel back in time, where would you go?
47. What is something you want to learn how to do and why?
48. What would you do if you were a king or a queen?
49. If you were invisible for a day, what would you want to observe?
50. If you had the attention of the world for just 10 seconds, what would you say?

By Michelle Goodwin, LPC, Therapist – San Marcos office

When I was in undergraduate school, I was required to take a communications class.  The first few lessons were about speaking, listening and reporting back what was communicated.  I thought, “Oh well, this is easy.”  Then as I became part of romantic relationships, I realized this wasn’t easy at all.  It came as a surprise that what was clear as a bell to me wasn’t understood by my significant other.  We would end up fighting about the same thing over and over again.  I am alone. The couples who come into the InMindOut office for counseling very often identify better communication as their number one goal.

In therapy addressing communication issues, couples are encouraged to really watch the words that are said as well as the tone of the communication.  The underlying question is: “Will what I am about to say move the conversation forward or shut it down?”  Sometimes things need to be said regardless of your partner’s reaction but verbiage and tone become really important when trying to resolve a disagreement.   The first thing is to move from blame language “you did” to ownership language “I feel”.  One of the first things we try to begin with is “I” statements.

There is a communication template that we use to help couples talk to each other: “When you______________________(describe behavior) I feel ________________(describe feelings) because_________________________________.   It is important to talk about behavior and not personhood.  Insulting and blaming doesn’t move the conversation forward and doesn’t change anything.  For some couples, there seems to be the feeling if I just say my point often enough or loud enough my partner will see that I am right and he/she is wrong.  When volume and repetition only lead to bigger arguments then it is time to try something else.   The communication template above addresses behavior which can be changed and does not attack the person.  It is a way to address behavior that is troubling and articulate the need that is currently not being met.  Utilizing this template moves couples from blame talk “you did this” to ownership “I feel this”.

If we go back to the example of the communication class, it isn’t just how we say things that move a conversation forward, it is also how we listen.  There are very specific techniques that help us when we are the one who is listening. Often, when our partner critiques our behavior we are simply waiting for our partner to stop speaking so we can have our turn and say all the things our partner hasn’t done. When using the above template and you are the listener the first thing is to do is to really be present.  No one likes to be criticized but this is about behavior not you as a person.  See if you can understand the feelings your partner has presented and validate them.  You may find yourself saying something like “I know it can be frustrating to come home and the dishes aren’t out of the sink.  I get it.” instead of “Well I did cooked breakfast this morning and who mowed the yard last night?”  Not that what you are sharing isn’t true but you are not responding to the feelings that are being expressed and then your partner may not feel like he/she is being heard.  Validating feelings keep the argument from turning into a list of who did what when which really just wastes time and doesn’t deal with what is happening now.   Validating feelings is recognizing the understandable part.  Whenever you can find a part of the critique then you open doors for conversation.

When we practice this communication template in session each person gets a chance to be the speaker and listener.  Often there is an unmet need that is behind the critique.  The unmet need can be “not feeling a connection and feeling really alone.”  or feeling over- burdened or being taken advantage of.  In communicating being present, validating feelings and looking for the understandable part helps your partner feel valued and heard.

 

By Michelle Goodwin, LPC, InMindOut Therapist, San Marcos

What is codependency? The term itself came from the rooms of AA. The alcoholic or addict is dependent on substance and the co-dependent is dependent to person. The definition of the term has broadened from its AA roots. A co-dependent relationship as defined by the Oxford dictionary as a dysfunctional relationship where one person has an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction. The problems in the relationship will be taken on completely by the partner. The partner in this relationship will shield the person and protect the person. The partner will try to deny the problem or try to fix the problem or take responsibility for the problem.

Codependency is hard because it often comes out of an understanding that this is what love is. In counseling sessions that is where people keep coming back to saying, “but I love her” or “if I didn’t do this, it wouldn’t get done.” The work of untangling codependence is setting boundaries, reclaiming your life and letting go of that which is not your responsibility. Sometimes, it is redefining love.

I think it would be helpful to look at some of the characteristics of co-dependence. Some of the characteristics can be denial, low self-esteem, control patterns and enabling. Denial is when the co-dependent has a hard time defining his/her needs; consistently minimizes his/her needs and perceives himself or herself as completely unselfish. Some clients when asked can’t articulate what their needs are and have a hard time asking for what is important to them. The client will sometimes say “My job is to take care of everyone.” Being helpful and supportive in any relationship is important but when it comes at the cost of someone’s own well-being, it is worth looking at the behavior and asking “Is it healthy for me? Or my loved ones?”

Low self-esteem. If you feel you are part of a co-dependent relationship, there are questions to ask yourself. Do you judge most of the things you say and do as not good enough and do you seek other’s approval of your thinking, feelings and behavior over your own? I had a client say to me, “I like being a caretaker and not speaking up because it feels safer to be invisible.” I asked her, “Do you ever think you could be visible and safe?” She answered, “No.” Creating emotional safety for yourself is paramount to being able to speak up and be heard. Clients sometimes must work hard to understand that their point of view and feelings are important and valuable and not dependent on another’s opinion.

Control patterns. Clients have said that they need to be needed in order to have a relationship. Others have said it is difficult to watch others make mistakes or see them doing things the wrong way. One of the problems with being in control is the resentfulness it brings for both partners and it is enabling the other person not to be responsible for his/her actions. One definition of enabling is doing for someone something they can do on their own. I believe some wisdom from Al-Anon is helpful. One of the sayings that has come out of Al-Anon is “Detach with Love” which means giving up being the rescuer and cop and create healthy boundaries. As one person from Al-Anon said, “I have learned to listen with compassion without feeling the need to fix it.”

Learning not to be co-dependent is a lot of hard work, but it is worth the journey. When the one partner becomes healthier it changes the dynamic of the whole relationship. Learning self-worth, boundary setting, and loving detachment engenders freedom and balanced relationships.

Written by Michelle Goodwin, LPC