• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to footer

  • Services
    • Therapy Services
    • Neurofeedback Program
    • Psychological Testing
    • Supplemental Devices
    • Servicios en Español
  • Locations
    • New Braunfels
    • San Marcos
    • San Antonio
      Castle Hills
    • San Antonio
      Shavano Park
    • San Antonio
      Stone Oak
    • Schertz
    • Mission
  • Contact Us
  • Blog
    • InMindOut Blog
  • Education
    • Courses
    • Educational Instructors
    • Webinars
  • Client Portal
  • Client Forms
  • Careers
  • About Us

Combating Shame

July 13, 2022 by Ashley Bono LPC, LMFT

I see a lot of different emotions when people come into my office. But one of the most predominant emotions that I’ve seen is the emotion of shame. Nine times out of ten people come into therapy with regrets and burdens that have caused them a lot of problems over the years. This shame, however, tends to cause problems with recovery due to the fact that many people tend to doubt whether or not they deserve to have good things or be well. This shame can also make them believe that they need to be consistently punished for just even existing sometimes, which can lead to self harm or even self-neglect. One of chief challenges that we face is to help individuals combat or resolve the shame. How do we do that?

First, we focus on helping an individual with learning how to take care of themselves and treat themselves with kindness. Individuals that have a long history of abuse or neglect have no idea of how to take care of themselves or even look at themselves with any sort of kindness or compassion. This can not only impact their relationship with themselves but also with other people. Teaching individuals that it’s okay to show kindness to themselves first is essential to being able to show kindness to others.

Second, we teach individuals new ways of coping despite going to shame as a primary means. For many individuals who have been abused, shame was a way to survive and to cope with an angry or irate abuser. Having new coping strategies in the “proverbial tool belt” such as grounding, positive affirmations, writing down our emotions in a journal, can be very effective in helping individuals with understanding that their emotions are not the enemy or a bad thing. These coping strategies can also help with building emotional resiliency and emotional control in order to help individuals with seeing that they are safe, they can take charge of their own safety, and they treat their emotions like the warning signs that they are instead of as an enemy.

Third, we teach the importance of individual responsibility. I see two things happen often when I’m working with clients. Either one party refuses to take responsibility of any kind for any situation, or the same party will take all the responsibility for things both good and bad. Taking personal responsibility is taking ownership over things that are ours to own. This means both good and bad things. While it may be difficult for us to do sometimes, it is still necessary. For those who tend to take too much responsibility, it is important for us to teach these individuals that they are not at fault for everything bad or everything good that happens to another person. This involves breaking down a situation and helping them see who is truly responsible.

Fourth, we teach individuals about what abuse really is. Abuse all about power and control to the point where an individual’s person-hood is disregarded. Abuse also involves a person’s dignity, self-respect, their body, even down to their mind are brutally treated to the point where the victim does not have a shred of identity that is truly theirs. Abusers use shame, physical, sexual, or emotional violence in order to get the victim to comply with their own agenda. Many times, the victim tends to be too afraid to speak up and speak out about the abuse because of the violent tendencies of the abuse. Other times the victim has no idea that they are being abused. Showing what abuse is and what it isn’t can help individuals who have been victimized see that they did not deserve to be treated like that, and they can set boundaries with similar behavior.

Finally, we help individuals understand the true function and purpose of shame. I’m going to say something that will sound slightly controversial on the surface. Shame can actually be a very useful emotion if it is managed in a healthy way. Like all emotions, shame serves a purpose and that purpose is to keep us from doing things that we will inevitably regret at some point. Shame can also help us with taking proper responsibility for our actions that may have hurt other people or even ourselves. The problem that many people run into with shame, is the fact that this emotion can get completely out of control and we can use it to beat ourselves up over things that are not really our fault or responsibility.

Shame can be a tricky emotion to deal with or understand especially in the context of trauma. It does not, however, need to be a constant reminder of what happened or be used as a tool to block recovery. Understanding shame, its function, how it can be problematic, and ways to combat it can open doors in terms of developing resiliency and overcoming past pain.

Before Footer

See what our clients have to say!

Kathleen Bradford
google
Kathleen Bradford
February 12, 2024

Ray has been an extremely effective therapist utilizing a multitude of different techniques, including talk therapy and EMDR. He is very intuitive, kind, and sensitive to his patient's needs. Cannot recommend him enough.

Lauren Goodley
google
Lauren Goodley
February 9, 2024

I love this place. Office is super helpful for scheduling and payments. I do all my appointments online. My counselor Raymund Begaye is always professional and helpful, and offers different therapies including talk therapy and EMDR. Counseling with Ray has improved my quality of life and ability to handle, and enjoy (!), my life.

Ryan Dicke
google
Ryan Dicke
February 9, 2024

I have dealt with 2 therapists in the past, and I can tell you from experience that Raymund Begaye is world class. He has all the wisdom, grace and savvy of Hannibal Lector without the cannibalistic tendencies. Always selfless, supportive, and non judgemental, meeting Raymund has been a huge blessing in my life. I know from the bottom of my heart that he got into this business because he cares about people and the human element. He also thinks outside of the box. His knowledge and ability to conduct EMDR sessions have been pure gold. I was skeptical at first about EMDR, but after several sessions with Raymund I can honestly say past traumatic experiences that have kept me in a state of bondage, are not as intense as they once were. Raymund is a true American hero in many ways. He saved many lives fighting for our great country, and he continues to save lives by providing hope to the hopeless.

Stefanie Anderson
google
Stefanie Anderson
February 9, 2024

I've been seeing Ray for over 3 years now. He has helped me work through so much of my trauma. We started with talk therapy and it was a big help. As we opened up through my past traumas, we utilized the EMDR therapy, and let me tell you, it works wonders. I'm not sure of the exact science behind why EMDR works but I promise it does. I've come along way from the start of my therapy journey. Ray is very patient, understanding, and even when you think he doesn't get it, he does. He's always been very reassuring and has let me ease into dealing with my past. I think I found my therapist for life because before him, I had gone through several therapists that never made me feel like I'm being heard. I would recommend the EMDR therapy to anyone. Thanks InMindOut for employing such a wonderful therapist. Please don't let him go anywhere lol.

Faith Harris
google
Faith Harris
February 8, 2024

My therapist has been Ray B since fall of 2021. I was diagnosed with PTSD after the death of my husband. We were together 24 years and have a son. I know I'm alive today thanks to God and Ray. His techniques, patience, experience, care, effort, ideas and many more I can't think of, have been amazing. Ray is a blessing in my life.

Maggie Anaya
google
Maggie Anaya
February 3, 2024

Great therapists, always friendly

Charles Earley
google
Charles Earley
January 17, 2024

Canceled 3 weeks in a row.

Jessica Wicklund
google
Jessica Wicklund
December 25, 2023

I saw your video on FailArmy. Sorry your beautiful ferns got stolen. If I ever make it to your area I’ll have to stop by and check it out. Looks like a cool place!

Footer

Contact Us


  • Phone: (830) 730-6090
  • Fax: (830) 455-4355
  • Email: info@inmindout.com
  • Directions: List of all Locations

Client Access


  • Link to Client Portal

Connect


  • InMindOut Blog
  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn

Copyright 2012 - 2025 InMindOut | All Rights Reserved