InMindOut Emotional Wellness Center

Grass Is Greener Where You Water It

Ashley Bono, LPC

Responding to Community Violence

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            May 24th, 2022 many children woke up to go to school and learn just like any normal day. They put on their backpacks, grabbed their lunch boxes, and headed out the door to the bus stop or out to the car for their parents to drop them off. For nineteen children and two teachers in the city of Uvalde, Texas, they went off to school never suspecting what would happen. During these times of tragedy, we as a nation and as a community tend to sit at this scene of horror and ask the questions, “What do we do with this? How do we reach out and help?” But we often come up short when we try to answer these questions. The sheer horror of an act of violence of this degree tends to paralyze us from doing anything. Because of this horror we tend to get highly emotional and start to fight with each other because we think that we can offer a solution to prevent something like this from happening again. But I’d like to offer a challenge to each and every one of us. Instead of fighting with each other about what happened, how about we simply be present, be available, and be kind?

            Let’s be honest with ourselves and each other. During times like these all of us what to jump in and do something. We want to change the fact that lives were lost or homes destroyed, and reverse things back to the way they were before the carnage occurred. We want to stop these terrible things from happening again. As a result, we tend to get lost in our emotions and argue with each other about what would be a viable solution to prevent the violence or even reach out to the victims of the violence.  But does this emotionalism really help anyone? I think we can safely say that, no, it does not. Instead of arguing with each other or jumping into action without thinking, what if we were to simply be there for these hurting families? We can’t offer any answers to the many questions that are swirling around in all of our heads about what to do or not to do in this situation. It is during times like this, that simply being physically present can be very healing in and of itself. Showing the victims of this violence that we as a neighborhood, community, and nation are here for them may be more healing than we realize.

            I think we can all say that healing from a tragedy of this magnitude is an active process. There are needs that must be met, and some of these needs can only be met by certain people. This may require each and every one of us to step up to the plate and being willing to offer something to alleviate suffering and pain. We must be available and be ready when those needs are brought to awareness. Sometimes even asking the question of, “What is needed at this time?” can actually bring targeted awareness to specific needs that must be met sooner rather than later. I think we all know that we can’t eliminate the pain that our neighbors are feeling or experiencing entirely, but we can do something to at least speed up the healing process.

            Never ever underestimate the power of a kind word or deed. Many times, we tend to disregard small acts because they don’t impact that many people. I would beg to differ. Small acts of kindness can set off a chain reaction that could change lives entirely. A kind word can help lift people’s spirits during a crisis. A kind action like taking a friend to coffee, can show that we care when they are struggling and provide them with a healing presence. Making a point to be kind during situations like the one in Uvalde can bring healing in its most powerful form. It shows that there are still good people in this world who are willing to do the right thing and value human beings.

            It is during times of tragedy that we must show that are a unified community that will be there for those who are impacted. This is a challenge due to the number of emotions that people are feeling or struggling with. The pain and grief that we feel right now is very, very real. The shock and horror that we feel is also very real and we can’t deny that something needs to be done. But being willing to sit with our neighbors, and reach out a kind, loving hand during their time of mourning and pain, can provide something that people need desperately. That is to know that they are loved, valued, and seen.

Setting Boundaries with Your Children

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            I’m sure that we’ve all heard of the term “boundaries” at some point in time. Boundaries are simply limits that we set for ourselves in terms of how we behave or how we want other people to treat us. Many people may feel that boundaries are restrictive in nature, but in reality, they are meant to protect us and to respect our own limitations as people. Yes, I said limitations. I know that this word tends to get people irritated, but it is a necessary word. We all have limits and places where we don’t feel comfortable going. This is especially true when it comes to our children. As parents, it’s our job to teach our children how to follow and respect rules. It is also our job to teach our children how to set limits for themselves. Teaching our children boundaries is one of the most important lessons that we will ever give them. This brings to mind a couple of questions that we must ask. How do we set boundaries with our children? How do we teach our children how to set boundaries?

            First, we have to recognize our own limits as parents. Many parents tend to not really pay attention to their own limits when it comes to their children. In fact, if most of us are honest, we tend to focus on trying to go past those limits because our children tend to need us a lot. While meeting our children’s needs is top priority, we also need to know how to respect our own imperfections and personal challenges as parents. We are not meant to meet every single demand of our children, and it is unhelpful to teach them to expect that from every one else in life. Setting a boundary that respects our limits as parents teaches children how to respect other people’s limits and not to push past them.

            Second, we have to have realistic expectations of what rules or boundaries our children can respect versus what they can’t. I’ve seen some families that tend to have very high expectations when it comes to their children’s conduct to the point where the child is basically treated as a mini adult, or as a soldier in a platoon. The point of rules is to protect our children from possible dangers and to teach them the difference between right and wrong. If you expect perfection from your children, then you will be sorely disappointed as a parent and you may even drive your child away. Setting realistic boundaries for your child, will help them with building up their confidence and having a deep respect for boundaries.

            Third, we have to be consistent when we set boundaries or rules with our children. The biggest disservice we can give to our children is to not be consistent with them when it comes to boundaries. Inconsistent boundaries can send a very poor message to our kids such as we don’t care enough about them to be consistent people in our words or even our actions. Consistency provides safety to a child not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. When our kids see that we are consistent, they know that they can trust us completely as someone that will be there and still be the same no matter what.

            Fourth, we have to be willing to admit our own mistakes when it comes to things that we say or do. Admitting our own mistakes and taking responsibility for them teaches our kids two very important lessons. We are not perfect people and we will have to take responsibility for our mistakes at every age and stage in life. We also can’t be too proud that we make mistakes as adults and embrace our own imperfections. If we can model these two lessons, our children will learn how to own up to their mistakes as well as embrace their own imperfections as people.

            Finally, we have to be willing to take whatever emotions our children show us in response to us setting boundaries. There are times when our children will not be happy with the rules and limits we set and they may show strong emotions as a result. We cannot, however, change boundaries that we set because our children may not agree with them one hundred percent. I should put a disclaimer here for you all to see here. Our children will test our boundaries. Note how I put emphasis on the words “will test.” The reason for this is they want to see if that these limits are real, and they want to know if they will hold up to them pushing them. Sticking with our boundaries may make our children upset, but it will help them over the course of time by teaching them the difference between right and wrong, as well as how to respect others.

            Setting boundaries with our children is not easy for us to do. There are times when we might feel like the villain for saying no or setting any kind of limit. But teaching our children to accept boundaries is an essential relational skill. If our children learn to respect our limits at home, they can respect the limits of their friends, co-workers, or romantic partners as they get older.

Control versus Responsibility

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            When you think of the word control, what do you get? Power? Strength? A feeling of thinking that things are the way they should be? Let’s face it, we all like to be in charge and in control at all times. COVID-19 brought out our desire for complete control to the point where we snap at anyone or anything that dares to threaten it. While we do need to take ownership over our own things, I’d like to pose this question for each and every one of us. What if we replaced the word “control” with the word “responsibility?” Now I know that the word responsibility may not be a fond word for many people, but it is a word that I believe we need to have a conversation about. In fact, we need to have a conversation about the difference between the words “control” versus “responsibility.”

            What does the word “control” really mean? According to Merriam-Webster, the word “control” means “to have power over.” That definition sounds nice doesn’t it? When we have control, we have power…..or so we think. Why do I say that? Let me explain what I mean. Control often involves us putting our fingers into another person’s proverbial “pie” in order to get things to turn out in our favor.  It also involves us taking on situations or things that are not ours to take on. Finally, control tends to focus on trying to getting other people to do what we would prefer that they do or believe what we believe. So when we tend to focus on control, we really aren’t in as much control as we think. Many times when we tend to put an emphasis on control, we tend to blur the lines of what is really ours to own versus what isn’t. This of course, leads to a large amount of anxiety in our own lives because we tend to be afraid of losing control, insecurity in our own individual gifts and talents, and a lack of boundaries with others because we are desperate to hold onto to everything with a vice like grip.

            Now we come to the word that everyone tends to have a hard time with, responsibility. Many people tend to think that responsibility is equated to a punishment of some kind. On the contrary, responsibility is about taking ownership over what is ours to own. Please note the emphasis on the word ours. It is not by accident that I am paying particular attention to that word. Everyone of us owns something in our lives. We own our emotions, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and property. And that is perfectly fine for us to do. In fact, it is what is necessary for us to do. When we take ownership of our personal things, it not only takes the pressure off of us as individuals, but it also gives us real, genuine, healthy power.

            So what does responsibility do? When we are focused on being responsible, we don’t try to take over other people’s affairs. On the contrary, we put our primary focus on what is really ours (i.e. our feelings, behaviors, personal property, thoughts, and beliefs). We also don’t put an emphasis on trying to insert ourselves into situations that we don’t have any knowledge or experience of. We don’t try to force our beliefs, opinions, or preferences onto others for our own benefits. When we don’t focus on trying to control other people, it frees us to use our gifts, talents, and abilities in ways that we can use them best. Responsibility also helps us to operate within our own personal limits instead of going and over extending ourselves. Finally responsibility can help us foster healthy relationships with others because it generates a culture of respect between both parties.

            I wish to pose a final question for you? Which one to you want? Do you want control, or do you want responsibility? Control may give you some sort of power, but it is power that can be easily taken away and often tends to leave us feeling anxious and unsafe. Responsibility helps us gain genuine, healthy power that helps us with building our self confidence and recognizing our value as people. Real power comes from us recognizing our own inherent worth as people, doing what we can to protect that worth, and allowing ourselves to enjoy that worth. Which one sounds more appealing to you?

Coping Skills for Parents: Showing Love and Kindness to Yourself

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As a child therapist, I hear a common theme from parents is that they tend to talk down to themselves for their parenting, especially when their child has a diagnosis of some kind or is the victim of a trauma. Many times parents can tend to blame themselves for anything bad happening to their child, or how their child is behaving. While this may seem to be an appropriate response to difficulties in your family, it actually has the opposite affect. In fact, I would venture to say that blaming yourself and talking down about your parenting does more damage then it actually helps with changing the situation. Allow me to explain what I mean here. Blaming yourself or others for what it is happening, actually creates a cycle of self abuse and control rather then a system of personal responsibility and respect. You, as a parent, can only take responsibility for your actions, your words, your feelings, and your teaching as a parent. You can’t take responsibility for what happens outside your home, or for your child’s diagnosis, or what your child does or decides. Now many of you may say, “But they’re my kid. What they do reflects on me!” And I agree with you. However, I would argue that our child’s behavior or what happens to them does not have to define what we do or who we are as parents. What do I mean? I mean that we as parents need to learn how to show ourselves love and kindness when it comes to our parenting. How do we do that?

First we need to recognize that we are not perfect people or parents! When we find out that we are going to be parents for the first time, we tend to form high expectations of ourselves to not mess up our children and do everything that our parents didn’t do for us. But then life happens and we find ourselves mimicking what we swore we would never do to our kids. Let me encourage you by saying mistakes and mishaps are inevitable. Beating yourself up for making these mistakes only wastes time and only makes the situation worse. If you make a mistake as a parent, admit it to yourself, your spouse, and to your children. Additionally, take responsibility for this mistake and say what are willing to do to correct it. Don’t be afraid to involve your kids in this process! Does this mean that you allow your kids to disrespect you? No! Allow your kids to vocalize their feelings about what they might need from you if you’ve made a mistake.

Second, we need to separate our actions from the actions of other people, including our kids. This is extremely important when it comes to teaching our kids responsibility for their actions. This goes beyond just offering an apology when we’ve done something wrong. It also includes us focusing on what we are capable of providing or doing on a daily basis. As parents, it’s our job to protect, provide, love, teach, guide, discipline, and prepare. It is NOT our job to convince, change, or control our children or other people in our lives. Many of you may be thinking, “My kids’ actions reflect on my abilities as a parent, especially when they are misbehaving.” I would argue that your kid’s behavior is their own. They are responsible for their actions and their choices. You as mom and dad, are responsible for your response. Please understand, I’m not saying that you allow Jimmy or Jane to act up in the grocery store aisle without giving them a consequence or disciplining them. I’m saying that you focus on your response to what your child does and not allow their behavior to define whether or not you are a good parent. It’s tempting to always blame ourselves for our kids acting up or making poor choices, but we have to remember our kids aren’t an extension of our own person-hood.

Third, we need to recognize that our children are not us! Many people tend to see their children as an extension of themselves as people, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. I think we can all agree on the idea that our children have a mind of their own! And it can be very hard to get them to change it! This can be hard for us as parents to deal with, especially when we want our children to think the same way as we do or do as we do. How do we deal with it you ask? I think we can sum it up with these statements right here. My job is to tell my kids the truth and model it for them. It is their job to respond to it and apply it to their behaviors and mindset. When we focus on our role and responsibility as a parent, it takes the pressure off of us to do everything, and we can focus on loving and accepting our children.

Fourth, we need to give ourselves encouragement and kindness as our parenting journey continues as well as seek it out. Parenting requires a lot out of us as people. It also requires a lot of emotional energy. Without support of any kind, we will burn ourselves out and not be emotionally available for our children when they need it. That’s why it is important to seek out fellow parents as friends and maybe even reach out to grandparents or relatives for extra support when needed. Sometimes we may even need breaks in order to avoid getting overwhelmed with parenting duties. It is not a crime to take care of or encourage ourselves whenever we are feeling down.

As I stated earlier, parenting is not an easy task. It can be, however, a rewarding one. Let me impart some encouragement to each of you. All the hard work that you’re putting into love, caring, and raising this child will all pay off in the end. If you don’t see it now, don’t lose hope. Keep trying and working to be the best parent that you can be. Your children, if they are smart, will see it and appreciate what you are trying to do as they grow older.

When to seek out Therapy for Your Child

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Over the past few years, we’ve seen an increase in mental health problems among our children and adolescents. In the last two years, we’ve experienced a global pandemic, an increase in political and social unrest in our country, economic problems, and now worldwide conflicts. With this increase in problems that are hitting very close to home, many people are developing mental health problems. Our children are no exception to this. Many polls have shown an increase in self harming behaviors, depression, and anxiety in children and adolescents. With this increase in problems and unhealthy behaviors, many parents are seeking out mental health services for their children. But many parents tend to not know when they need to actually take their children to a therapist. Here are some indicators that your child may need to see a mental health professional.

1. Your child is exhibiting self harming behaviors such as cutting, burning, biting, or even hitting themselves. Self harming behaviors are often used to distract the person from deeper emotional pain or to help the person feel something at all due to feeling numb. The danger of self harming behaviors is the risk of the person going too far and injuring themselves in a life threatening way. Therapy is necessary in order to address the emotional pain as well as the behaviors.

2. Your child shows extremely low self esteem. A lack of self esteem may seem to be innocuous on the surface, but it can lead to severe problems. Many children who have low self esteem are more likely to exhibit self harming behaviors, suicidal ideation, isolating themselves from friends, and lack of performance in school. Seeking out therapy can help your child with building up confidence to make friends and have faith in their abilities as individuals

3. Your child tends to isolate themselves from others and not interact with others. Many teenagers tend to isolate themselves from time to time to get away from the stress of every day life, but there are times when they isolate themselves to the point when they are not coming out of their room or being around people at all. If your child has this habit of staying in their room and refusing to come out to do regular activities such as going to school, it is time to seek out professional help. Isolation can be a sign of deeper depression or severe anxiety. Therapy is necessary in order to help your child with understanding how to handle the stress of relationships and every day life in addition to building up confidence to step outside and interact with every day life.

4. Your child has rapid changes in mood and has explosive outbursts. Rapid changes in mood and explosive changes in mood can be a sign of a mood disorder and that may require medication to treat effectively. Mood changes and outbursts can also put other family members at risk especially if your child acts aggressively. Therapy can assist your child with impulse control as well as identifying triggers for the mood swings.

5. Your child has become aggressive towards others either verbally or physically. When children act aggressively towards others, it is a sign that something deeper is going on and it they could have problems with feeling sympathy or empathy towards others. If it is reported to you that your child is making serious threats towards others, it’s time to seek out mental health services to help them with impulse control, positive conflict resolution, and anger management.

6. Your child has expressed that they have had thoughts of no longer wanting to be alive. If your child expresses this to you, then it is best to first seek out the help of a mental health hospital to have them evaluated for any serious danger to themselves. After they have been stabilized weekly therapy is necessary to provide extra emotional support, coping strategies, and working out negative thought patterns.

Seeing your child in any serious emotional pain can be difficult for any parent, especially if you are not familiar with any way of helping them through it. Therapy can provide your child with not only emotional and mental support, but it can also provide you as a parent with guidance and tools to help them. While therapy is a powerful tool it cannot replace the most important factor in a child recovering from difficult emotional problems. That tool is a loving and supportive parent that is present and active in that child’s life.

Creating a Hopeful Spirit

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I think we can all agree that our world is full of negativity. All we have to do is turn on the television, tap on our social media apps on our phones, or even look on the internet, and the negativity glares up at us with a poisonous gaze. With the world going through crisis after crisis, it makes it difficult to be positive or even hopeful. But I would like to pose a question to each and every one of us. What if a hopeful spirit begins within each and every one of us and in our homes? I will admit that a hopeful mindset does not make the problems in our world go away. But what it can do is help us rise above the conflict and gives us something to look forward to. How to we cultivate this hopeful spirit within each of us?

First we have to make a decision to look for the good in a situation. Allow me to make a full confession. This is not an easy thing to do at all! Our first instinct is to focus on the negative in each and every situation. However, focusing on the negative only serves to drive us to the point of despair. It also puts us in a perpetual cycle of helplessness. Focusing on the good and ways to move forward helps us focus on what we are responsible for in the situation rather then on trying to fix a problem that is not our responsibility to fix.

Second, we have to surround ourselves with people that support and care about us. We can’t cultivate a hopeful spirit if we have several people around us that are negative or toxic. This may mean that we have to set some firm boundaries with these individuals or even cut off some our relationships with them. Setting boundaries is difficult when we first do it, but it gets easier with practice. Having safe and healthy relationships can help us cultivate a strong sense of hope especially when we can’t see it ourselves.

Third, we have to be willing to focus on what we can control versus what we can’t. I know this is a statement that many of us has heard, and it probably drives some of us crazy. But there is a lot of truth to this statement. We often tend to focus on the things in our lives that we can’t do anything about and that tends make us feel afraid or even cause us to panic. When we choose to focus on the things that we can do something about and have a choice over, it gives us a sense of freedom.

Fourth, we limit how much we focus on the news, social media, or anything negative. I think that many of us can concur that being on social and the news for long periods of time can bring down our overall mood. The internet or even social media is not meant to be focused on for long periods of time, especially with our tendency to hyper focus on the negative. When we decide to limit negative stimuli in our lives, we safe guard our minds and generate a mindset of hope.

Finally, we focus on moving forward no matter how hard the situation is. I see this happen in my line of work a lot. People come to me feeling stuck in some rut emotionally or mentally and they don’t know of a way to get back out. In situations like this, we have to decide what it is that we need in order to move forward. This could involve ending a toxic relationship, starting a healthier diet, etc. This may mean that we have to make some pretty hard decisions, but it is worth it if we get out of the rut.

Building up hope is always a hard thing for us to do and it’s hard to hold onto it once we have it. However, it is necessary for each and every one to create and hold onto when things are uncertain, hard, or in trouble. Think of it this way. Hope is the fuel that keeps us going no matter what terrain we are navigating through and gets us to a better destination overall even if we don’t always see it.