Ashley Bono

One of the biggest problems that I see in counseling, particularly between parents and teens, is a lack of respect between family members. I have lost count of how many times, I’ve seen and heard shouting matches take place in session between a parent and a teenager. Most of the fights that occur between parents and teens are all about who is right and who is wrong, and there is often no room for compromise or even being willing to work together. The problem with this mindset is that it leaves no room for the one little word that an entire song was written about that is still a hit today; R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I think we all can agree that all of us as humans are entitled to some form of respect. This is especially true in family relationships. Now allow me to be candid here with you all. This is not a post where I’m going to tell you that you should let your teenager walk all over you and have whatever they want.  This is a post about educating your teen in how to treat everyone around them with respect and with dignity even if people do not agree with them. This is also a post about how you, mom and dad, can show respect to your teen as the man or woman that they are becoming. So join me on this candid conversation as we jump right into how to create a culture of respect for your family.

1. Make it a rule that respect is a right and not a privilege when it comes to family members. Respect is an essential component in the health of a family, and also in any healthy relationship. Making it a requirement for your teen to address family members, even that annoying sibling that rubs them the wrong way, in a respectful manner will teach them how to address other people when they become adults. It will also help them know how to really foster a close relational bond with others.
   
2. Have a zero tolerance policy for disrespectful or abusive behaviors in your family. Abuse is essentially tearing down a person’s dignity and personhood because the abuser wishes to control or use the victim and they use different means in order to do so (i.e. mental, emotional, physical, sexual, etc.). There is no place for abuse of any kind in a healthy family system. And this may involve quick and decisive action on your part as a parent. If you seen your teenager bullying or abusing family members, make it a point to end it immediately and establish that there is no place for it in your family. If another family member is being abusive, then it falls on us as parents to put an end to it immediately, and possibly seek out legal recourse.
   
3. Be willing to agree to disagree when necessary. This is slowly becoming a lost art in our culture nowadays. Many people tend to stick with the following idea: If you don’t agree with me, then you are against me. This is not true. Many people may disagree with us, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t care about us or love us for who we are. It also does not mean that they are disappointed by the views we hold, or think that we are less than human because we have them. There are sometimes when some people just don’t agree when it comes to certain ideas or topics, and that is okay. The respectful thing to do is to allow them to think the way that they do even if we don’t like it. If they are trying to be abusive with their views (i.e. call you stupid for thinking the way that you do, degrading you by saying you are less than moral if you hold to the views that you do, or even saying that you don’t deserve respect because you think the way that you do, etc.), then you have every right to separate yourself from that person and not keep company with them. This is a necessary lesson that your teen must learn in order to have a healthy relationship with others.
   
4. Encourage your teen to be open and honest about how they feel about a situation or a problem, respectfully. This is an important step in teaching them how to advocate for themselves. Being honest in a respectful way about how they feel about an unpleasant situation can encourage your teen to seek out help with handling the problem in a positive way, and help them feel connected and supported by you as a parent. This also teaches them how to express emotion in a way that is not volatile.
   
5. Don’t be afraid to partner with your teen to solve a difficult situation. Don’t underestimate your teen’s intelligence. Many times we as adults like to dismiss our teens ideas as being silly or nonsensical because they are young. We do this to our detriment. Our teens may have a fresh perspective on an idea which could actually help us with possibly solving a problem. This may mean that we have to actually sit down and listen to what they have to say. Now that doesn’t mean that we automatically say our teen may be right or do what they say immediately, but it does mean that we have to hear them out completely and at least consider what they have to say before just automatically saying no.
   
6. Don’t be afraid when your teen asks questions about what you’ve asked them to do. It’s natural for a teenager to question authority a little bit, and that’s what we want them to do to a certain extent. This does not mean that we allow them to out and out defy what we ask them to do, or allow them to say that what we’ve asked them to do is stupid. Instead, we allow them to ask them a few questions about what we’ve asked them to do, while keeping our expectations that a task must be done. We can also encourage our teens to look at what someone in position of authority asks them to do and

Culture of respect can be difficult, but it is an essential component to creating a healthy family system. It is also important to remember that respect for others is best taught at home. If we impart this knowledge to our children, then it can be a revolutionary movement to our society

How many people like conflict? I think I can safely say that no one does. But when it comes to relationships, conflict is inevitable. This is especially true within our families. In an earlier post I wrote about effectively coping with conflict. Now I’d like to put a special focus on resolving conflict between family members. I know that there’s a question that’s popping up inside everyone’s heads. What’s the difference between the two? Coping is just merely making it through the moment without any sort of change or expectation to change. Resolution is about taking care of an issue and making the necessary changes in order for the situation to get better. I think should add the caveat that complete resolution is not always possible, but it doesn’t excuse us from trying to make it happen.

1. Don’t try to resolve an issue while people are still really angry or emotional. Have you ever tried to reason with a person while they are overly emotional? I think we can all agree that when someone is really angry, there is no getting through to them. That’s why if you’re trying to resolve an issue, it’s important to do so while everyone is calm and reasonable. This also reduces the chances of hurtful things being said in moments of pure anger.

2. Be willing to admit when you are wrong. This point may be a tough pill to swallow because we all want to be right about something. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I can guarantee you that you will not always be right in every situation. Be willing to admit when you are wrong can carry you a long way in your relationships.

3. Do your part to repair what was broken. This is where the proverbial “rubber meets the road.” It’s one thing to admit when you are wrong. It’s another thing entirely to take responsibility for what happened and try to make amends for what happened. Let me add the point of you can only do your part. Relationships involve both people doing their part to repair the damage.

4. Give a little in order to get a little. It’s a hard rule in relationships that we can’t have our way all the time. This means that both parties must give a little in order to maintain the health of the relationship overall. There are some things that you should not give on in terms of personal boundaries, and it is important to communicate that with the person you are trying to reconcile with. It is also important to communicate what you are willing to do to maintain the health of the relationship as a whole.

5. Work to resolve an issue, not win a fight. We often go into conflict with the intent to win. As a therapist, I often find myself in the middle of a huge fight between parent and child or husband and wife. And both sides want one thing and one thing only: to win at all costs. This desire often leaves no winner in its wake. Instead, both sides are wounded and it makes resolution even more difficult to achieve. Whenever there is conflict, it is important to face it with the mindset of trying to resolve the issue instead of making the other side squirm or yield. A mindset of resolution often involves using a calm tone, coming up with ideas, and a willing attitude when it comes to making changes.

6. Don’t allow yourself to get sucked into a useless fight. Here’s what I mean by useless fight. If you find yourself calling each other names, getting into a shouting match, or saying things that you’ll know that you’ll regret, then you are getting involved in a useless argument. The goal of an argument is to resolve an issue, not bludgeon each other with our words or emotions. If things are getting to that point, then it might be a good time to call for a break.

7. If the issue is in the past, leave it there and don’t bring it back up. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard family members use this rather dirty tactic in order to make their loved ones feel guilty or do what they want. I find that this tactic does not change anything. In fact, I would say that this builds up anger and resentment between family members. A way to counteract this is to turn our attention onto the present issue. Leaving the past in the past is an essential component to our overall relational health.

Conflict resolution is not an easy skill to master or even apply to our daily lives. Before we start complaining about how hard this skill may be, we must first be willing to ask ourselves this question. Are all of our relationships worth the trouble? I think we can all venture to say that, yes, they are worth whatever we go through if they remain healthy and a source of support for us.

Suicide is an uncomfortable fact of our society. We love to treat it like the boogey man and shove it underneath the proverbial bed, away from everyday life. We are terrified to even let the word pass our lips. If we hear people talking about the very subject of suicide, we abruptly try to change topics or try to make the person talking about it “feel better.” This has resulted in many people hiding the struggle that they are currently experiencing in order to stay alive. Unfortunately, that one attempt that loved one or friend makes to talk to us about what is going on may be the only time that they reach out for help before taking their own life. Sadly, due to COVID and all the political unrest in our country today, many people are asking themselves the question of why even bother staying alive. The main question that we must take time to answer is, “How can I help those who are hurting?” I think we all can agree that we can’t avoid this issue any longer, and there are times when we may not be able to keep someone from committing suicide. But we can still let those who are contemplating taking their own lives that they are loved and we want them here with us. Below are just some ideas that you can use when dealing with this situation.

1. When someone tells you that they’ve been thinking about suicide, don’t overreact or panic. Many people who come forward to talk about suicide are already struggling with the worry of possibly being judged by others or having their pain minimized, or worse feeling like their sense of control being taken away. If someone you love tells you that that they have been struggling with suicidal thoughts, try saying something like, “Thank you for letting me know about this. Can you tell me more about what has been happening?” Just this question alone can get someone to open up about how serious these thoughts really are.

2. Don’t promise to fix a situation that you can’t fix. A lot of people who struggle with suicidal thoughts tend to think that their situation is hopeless. Promising to help them change the entire situation puts you in a difficult spot and could set the individual up for even more emotional problems. Asking the question, “How do you want to be helped?” can help you see where the person is at and what actions they consider to be helpful.

3. If your friend or loved one has told you about a plan to commit suicide and they have the means to do so, then contact emergency services or take them to the emergency room. Some family members may have problems with doing this, but any suicide plan should be considered as an immediate threat. If you have any resistance from that family member or friend, you can always say, “I care about you and your safety above all else. I can’t ignore something like this especially when your safety is at risk.”

4. If your family member or loved one does not have a plan to commit suicide, don’t be afraid to have a safety plan put in place. There are templates that you can download online and have

your family member or loved one fill out. This can also help you with knowing what are your loved ones warning signs that they are in a dangerous state of mind. If you ever feel concerned about your loved one and their state of mind, you can take them to a mental health professional such as a counselor, psychiatrist, or even an emergency room to see if they need to be further evaluated. Once a plan is put together, make sure that you, your loved one, and another point person have a copy of the plan and be ready to act on the it in case of a crisis.

5. Don’t be afraid to get help for your loved one or friend. Suicidal ideation is a very risky and very difficult situation to maneuver, and if you don’t feel comfortable or feel like you have the ability to help then don’t put yourself in that position. You can still provide support in other ways such as taking them to their counseling appointments, or checking in with them every day through phone or video chat. Never underestimate the power of a caring attitude or actions in this case.

Suicide is a reality that we all must face at some point. It can be very difficult for any of us to speak about due to our culture being hyper focused on what makes us comfortable or happy. In order to provide help to our loved ones and friends who struggle with this, we have to be willing to be present in their pain with them. This doesn’t mean that we take on their pain. It just means that we show them that it’s okay to hurt, but this hurt is temporary

     When I say the word “family,” I’m sure that several different feelings come to mind. Let’s be real here, family can either bring the greatest joy to our lives or the greatest amount of pain. I’ll bet that many of you who are reading this post started thinking of all the awkward Thanksgiving dinners or holidays that you’ve had to stomach through with that one family member that always manages to get under your skin. For others, many of you are remembering very traumatic events that you’ve suffered at the hands of some family members, and you are having a hard time forgiving them.

I think the burning question that we all have is how can we possibly get along with people that we can’t stand in our families? I would like to answer that question with a question. Is it that we are trying to just simply get along with difficult family members, or are we simply coping with being around them until we can leave? One instance involves you actually pursuing a relationship with that family member, while the other implies that you’ve given up on the relationship and are simply just tolerating being around them. Whatever the case may be, there are ways to work around the conflict and possibly end up with what we all want in the end: peace of mind.

1. Know what your limits are in terms of how you interact with this family member. We all have limits or areas in our lives where other people are not welcome. And that is perfectly okay! When it comes to that difficult family member, you don’t have to let them into places of your life where you are not comfortable with them being. You have every right to say the word “no” if you need to.

2. It’s okay to say what you feel. Your feelings are your own. No one can own them for you and no one can express them on your behalf. It is important, however, that when you express them that you do so in a way that is not cruel or hateful to others. In fact, expressing your feelings to this family member may help with resolving the conflict between you two. I do have to issue a disclaimer, though, expressing your feelings may help with resolving the issue, but that does not necessarily mean that will be the case. If anything, it can help start changing things within the family.

3. If a family member has a habit of abusing you, you have every right to put an end to it. Abuse in any form is unacceptable and no one should put up with it. If this family member always has a habit of verbally abusing you during family functions, you have every right to say that you will not be attending any family functions that they will be attending if they continue. If there is actual danger from this family member abusing you, you have every right to contact local law enforcement in order to ensure your safety. If there has been a history of abuse, you have every right to set limits with this family member in terms of how much time you spend around them.

4. Don’t focus on the past and hold a grudge. Holding a grudge is like drinking a poison that the offending person was supposed to drink. They never die, but we slowly die on the inside. This is where forgiveness is very important. I know what you may be thinking, “Forgive them? You’ve got to be joking!” No, I’m not joking. Forgiveness is incredibly important for us to be able to move on and heal. The important thing to understand is that forgiveness is a process and it could take years for you to be able to do that. Forgiveness also does not mean that you reconcile with the person that hurt you or excuse their behavior away. It just means that you are not holding the past against a person in order to set yourself free to live your life.

As I said earlier on in our conversation, being around our families can be tough. There are some things, however, that it is important for use to realize when handling less than ideal family situations. We are valuable members of our families, and we are entitled to respect and dignity from all of our family members. This may look different from family to family, but it is essential for all of us to do our parts in order to resolve conflict accordingly.

     As adults we can very firmly attest that grief is hard enough for us to understand or heal from. Can you imagine what it is like for a child or teenager to move through those difficult stages? The challenge that children face whenever they are going through grief is that depending on their age, they do not understand the permanency of death. A second challenge that children face is that they don’t have a firm grasp or understanding of their emotions. This leaves us, as adults and as parents, how do we help our children through this difficult process?

1. If your kids cry, let them cry. Our feelings are meant to be felt! This includes feelings of hurt, anger, and sadness. Our children must be allowed to feel their emotions even if they are not pleasant.

2. Don’t be afraid to have a tough, feelings talk. As a parent, you are the one that your children want to talk to whenever they feel difficult feelings. You are the one that they want to know is going to be there for them through the tough times. Don’t be afraid to just sit and listen to your children talk about their raw feelings about the loss, and don’t be afraid to tell them that it’s okay to feel pain.

3. Don’t ever underestimate the power of touch. Some children need a hug in order to feel safe and secure from unsure world around them. That’s where you, mom and dad, come in. A hug from you can help your child feel the safety that they crave during times of grief. Sometimes the best thing that you can do for your child during times of grief is to hold them and let them cry if that is what they need.

4. Trust your child’s skills. We must be willing to trust our children to be able to say what it is that will help them heal. We also have to trust our kids to be their own problem solvers. This is especially true during times of pain. If your child is struggling with a painful situation, you can always ask these questions, “What do you need from me right now? How do you want to solve this problem?” You might be surprised what your children will tell you.

No matter what the circumstances may be, never underestimate your power as a parent in your child’s life. Times of pain are crucial for parents to be involved. At the end of the day, any child needs one very important thing: their parents.