Ashley Bono

Military families come in all shapes, sizes, and many cultural backgrounds. The main commonality is the idea that they have someone that they love who serves and protects our country. This of course brings a whole new dynamic to these families as a whole. As I wrote in my previous piece, the military lifestyle is full of different challenges that these families must face on a regular basis. It is important to note that these challenges cause each military family to develop their own strengths.

What are some of the strengths of these family units? Military families can have a strong sense of unity when it comes to working together and creating a working family system. This can come from the fact that the lifestyle itself comes with a regular amount of change (i.e. moving, deployments, etc.). Because these families often move to a place where there is not a consistent support system established, they often have to rely on each other to feel secure and adapt to a new environment. This does depend, however, on the family itself.

Second, military families have a strong sense of adaptability. As I mentioned before, change is common in the military lifestyle. This leads to consistent changes in the environment, and to many family members having to find new ways to cope with each change.

Third, there is a strong sense of independence in military families. The military culture is steeped in independence as well as a strong sense of constantly moving forward. This of course, impacts the family by causing them to not always reach out and ask for help if that is not necessary. This can often lead to a strong sense of personal responsibility and proactive behaviors.

Fourth, military families are open to trying new things and exploring new cultures. Many military families are stationed overseas in different countries, which can expose them to different ideologies and people. Even living on a military base can lead to a new cultural exposure in some way. Many military children make friends with children from different backgrounds due to where they live and where they might go to school. As a result, military children can be very open and friendly with other people from different backgrounds. Even after the service member retires, the family tends to be open to exploring new things in their community.

Every family has their own set of strengths. Military families are no exception. It is important to see how we can focus on those strengths and encourage their growth.

I’m sure that we’ve seen these clips before. We’ve seen the clips where military family members run to greet the service member who has just come home from a long deployment. From a civilian point of view, it is hard to understand why these family members get so excited at seeing their loved one come home. After all, it’s just a job right? If you really delve into the military culture, however, you will find that their lives are more than just their job. It’s an entire lifestyle that is very different from most of the country. In order to really understand military culture, you have to understand the challenges that many families in the military face.  

First, it’s not just the airman, the soldier, the sailor, or the marine that serves. The entire family serves right along with them. What does that mean you may ask? Military family members often have to give up something in order to support their loved one in the service. This may come in the form of a military spouse putting their career aside due to the frequent moves. Other forms of it may be that the immediate family unit is separated from extended family members, thus not having extra support around when deployments come. Even the children have to give up a set of friends and a school whenever it comes time to move.

Second, the military lifestyle is all about frequent change. A military family may stay in a duty station for at least 2-3 years, four if they’re lucky. This means that spouses have to quit and find new jobs, kids have to go to a different school with different friends, and the family also has to find a new house to live in. Additionally, there is the change that comes with the service member’s inevitable deployments. This forces the family to learn how to adapt to new environments fairly quickly.

Third, deployments are not easy paths to navigate. All military children are faced with the deployment of a family member at some point during this service stint. Some children are able to adapt and able to cope with their mom, dad, or both parents being gone for long lengths of time. While other children have a very hard time with accepting that their parent has to go. Many children ask the questions, “Why does my mommy or daddy have to go? Why can’t they be at my ballet recital? Why can’t they see me at my game? Why do they have to miss celebrating major holidays with us?” There are no easy answers to these questions. Military spouses often have to take up the mantle of maintaining both roles as parents to their children while the other spouse is deployed. This means that one parent is responsible for the care and discipline of the children, most of the time without consistent support. There is also the additional stress of maintaining the household and making sure that everything is taken care of while the service member is deployed.

Fourth, many military families may struggle with adjusting to civilian life after the service member retires or is discharged for some reason. This can come in the form of not being able to find stable employment, dealing with the after affects of PTSD, or even learning how to live with the service member again in the home after them being gone for so long. There is also the added stress of many military service members coming home with serious physical injuries due to combat.

Now that we understand the challenges of military families, how can we as a community provide them with support?

1. Be welcoming to military families in your community. Many families move to communities and often feel like the outsiders. Knowing that there are people that will welcome them into their inner circle, often gives military families a huge bolster of support. This is a huge component when it comes to coping with deployments. 

2. Be attentive to practical needs in military families. Military spouses are the main person that has to keep the “home front” up and running while the service member is deployed. This can be very overwhelming to a spouse who is new to a certain duty station and does not know where resources are. If you know of a military family that could use a little bit of extra help locating resources, then reach out to them and see what it is that they need.

3. If you know of a military family who is getting ready to go through a deployment, reach out to them and see if you can’t be part of their support system. Military spouses can often feel isolated and alone without the service member there with them. Having a strong network of friends and family who can help them if they need it can provide a sense of reassurance and make coping with the separation a little easier.

4. Recognize and respect the service and sacrifice of our military personnel. Many military service members come back home with significant injuries or combat related stress. Many military family members have the difficult task of getting their loved one back to health, and that journey tends to be a very long and arduous one. Many military veterans or active duty personnel tend to go throughout life without even hearing a “thank you” from the people that they fought to protect. If you have the opportunity to meet veterans or active duty personnel, please take the time to thank them for their service. 

Military families make up a very unique part of our society here in the United States. It is important that we recognize the differences, but also the common factors that make them just like us. At the end of the day, they are families that live a different lifestyle, but they still need love and support just like any other family.

       We’ve all heard this statement before, “I’m not enough because….” These words seem innocuous when we first look at them. We may use them to foster a sense of accountability to ourselves, or use them to foster the gumption to complete a goal of some kind. Because, who wants to be lacking in anything right? If we focus on improving our wardrobe, then we’ll be good enough to keep company with certain people. If we put in some extra time at the gym, we’ll be fit enough and maybe attract that perfect person. If I eat the right things, then I’ll be enough. Several months or years later, we are still whispering that statement of “I’m not enough” and we have ultimately run out of strength to continue going because we don’t see progress. This, of course, can lead to anxiety and depression taking over thus making the cycle even worse.

The problem with saying “I’m not enough” in one area of our lives is that it never is just limited to that one part. It spreads to every nook and cranny and fuels us to keep fighting an uphill battle that we may not be meant to fight at all. “I’m not enough” statements can send us on a trajectory towards unhealthy habits in terms of how we treat ourselves and even the people around us. In order to develop a healthy sense of identity, we must take the phrase “I’m not enough” and turn it into “I’m enough.” How do we accomplish this? Below are some tips to foster “I’m enough” moments in your life. 

1. Recognize your uniqueness and accept it. A common problem that we as mental health professionals see nowadays is this general lack of acceptance when it comes to personal character or traits. Many people don’t like who they are, or are taught to not show appreciation for certain traits. The danger of this tendency is that we don’t ever foster value in ourselves and see that we have a part to play in the world around us. Recognizing that we each have a role to play and actually working with that role will help us develop an appreciation of ourselves. Great questions to ask yourself are, “What are my strengths? What do I bring that people can’t live without? What have been some of my accomplishments?” 
2. Don’t just focus on your faults. Do we have faults? Absolutely! We all have things about ourselves that we don’t like and that other people don’t like. The problem that we run into is this hypersensitivity to our faults or flaws. We try to eliminate them from the equation of our existence, and very unsuccessfully. Our faults do not have to define us. Rather they can be used as our greatest asset if we look at how having this fault might add to our character. In fact, there might be a moment where our faults can actually be used to help someone else who is struggling with the same thing. Accepting our faults as being a part of us, and learning to use them to our advantage, or add to our character is an essential component to creating the mindset of “I’m enough.”
3. Avoid comparison traps. We all do this at some point. We have looked at a friend or family member and have run the comparison script through our minds because it looks like they have something that we don’t. Of course they have something that we don’t. That’s because they are not us! We are not meant to be walking the same road as our family members or friends throughout the course of life. We are meant to be walking the road that we are on. Accepting that our journey is not the same as everyone else’s and seeing that it’s not meant to be can be a very freeing experience for each and every one of us. 
4. Gratitude is required. In order to see ourselves as enough, we must be grateful for who we are and what we have. People who are insecure in themselves tend to always want more from each segment of life. This only fosters an attitude of dissatisfaction and a life of complete unrest. Being grateful for our lives just as they are allows space for us to look for the changes that need to be made rather than just ones that we would like to make. 

As I mentioned before, it can be very easy to develop a mindset that tends to say, “I’m not enough.” In order to help protect our own mental health, we need to first exercise the idea of accepting ourselves as we are. Without meeting this need of acceptance in ourselves, we will not be able to live a balanced life as what is necessary in order to sustain our overall health.

         Autism Spectrum Disorder, like all mental health disorders, is a complex disorder to treat. Since Autism is in and of itself a developmental disorder, there are many different things that must be addressed in the course of treatment. In the process of treatment, however, there is a very crucial element is often left unaddressed by clinicians and parents alike. The strengths of the child or the individual diagnosed with the disorder are often overlooked, or even minimized because the behaviors or problems are so blatantly obvious. As a clinician myself, I know that the first instinct is to immediately focus on resolving the problem that the client brings to me for treatment. But I also find that focusing on my client’s strengths is a necessary component for treatment. This brings to mind at least two questions that need to be addressed. What are strengths of individuals with Autism? How do we recognize them?

1. Individuals with autism are highly intelligent. If you were test the intelligence levels of a child that has been diagnosed with Autism, chances are you would have a very high number. This is a very common occurrence. The mind of an individual with autism tends to hyper focus or become obsessed with a subject matter and eventually becomes an expert on it. This is why so many children diagnosed are often dubbed “little professors.” This level of intelligence when properly applied can help the individual with excelling in their career of choice, or even in school.

2. Individuals with autism can make very sound decisions. Research has shown that because people on the spectrum are very logical and linear in their thinking, they are also very good decision makers. Many individuals will not make a decision that is not logical or does not show to have some sort of concrete pay off in the end. Thus, they will research out more information and take their time to make a very concrete decision (Shah, 2016).

3. Individuals with autism are very loyal to their friends or family. While I was working as a registered behavioral technician, I had the opportunity to see children with autism interact with kids that were their friends. One key element that I saw was an intense loyalty to those kids who had accepted them and had consistently shown themselves to be friendly or caring. This is often shown by protective behaviors. For example, a child on the spectrum will constantly try to protect their friend from a supposed bully if they see that is what is happening.

4. Individuals with Autism are very excellent problem solvers and very strategic in their thinking. As stated before, individuals on the spectrum are very logical and linear with their thinking processes. This often causes many of them to try different processes that will actually achieve a desired outcome (Shah, 2016).

So how do we recognize these strengths in our children? First we have to see that our child is so much more than their diagnosis. Many times we get wrapped around the idea of the diagnosis that we tend to fail to see how our children are themselves. Does that mean that we don’t focus on correcting their behaviors and teaching better ways of doing things? Absolutely not! Instead, we focus on balancing out the good with the bad parts about the disorder and we accept them as being parts of our child’s life.

Second, we accept the things that we can’t change and focus on the things that we can. While autism is not curable it is manageable. This can require a lot of training on our parts as parents as well as seeking out extra resources to help our child manage different parts of this disorder. We also help our child learn the skills that are necessary in order to manage their own diagnosis independently.

Third, we choose to look for our child’s strengths instead of their weaknesses. While it is very easy to focus on our child’s disability and how much it tends to impact the family, it is essential to focus on our child’s abilities and uniqueness. Looking at our child in this way, helps them also build up their own sense of self-esteem despite having this disorder.

There are so many different sides to Autism, some that we have not even fully discovered yet. It is true that this disorder can be complex and frustrating to deal with at times, but it can also be a very rewarding journey to see how our child grows and develops despite these different challenges. Remember, your child is not their diagnosis. There is so much more to them in terms of character and personality then what is presented with autism.

  Autism is on the rise. Many children are diagnosed with the condition before the age of three. Many professionals are still trying to find out what causes Autism, while others are trying to figure out how best to treat it. There are common denominators that many professionals tend to agree on in terms of how to treat a child or individual that is on the Autism Spectrum. Below are some of the common denominators that we have seen overall in treatment of children diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder.

1. Early intervention: Many researchers agree that early interventions such as Applied Behavioral Analysis therapy are a crucial piece to the treatment of Autism. While the ideal age to start services has not been narrowed down, professionals can agree that the earlier a child can start treatment the better. This is mainly due to the fact that Autism involves developmental impairments. Consistent treatment provided at an early age can help the child build up the necessary executive functioning to be able to handle more advanced social, academic, and behavioral tasks (Towle, Patrick, Ridgard, Pham, and Marrus, 2020).

2. Parental Support: Many parents are at a loss when it comes to being a caregiver for a child with Autism. Because Autism is a developmental disorder, many children struggle with learning tasks that other children would be able to learn without much difficulty (i.e. writing their name, tying their shoes, dressing themselves). Other times, children with autism struggle consistently with following directives that their parents give them, or showing severe behaviors such as biting themselves, punching their classmates, etc. This can leave parents in a quandary and very stressed due to not feeling adequate enough to handle their child’s behaviors. Many ABA services provide parental guidance training in order to help the parent develop the necessary skills to effectively care for their child with autism (Michael Weinberg, Neta Gueta, Jacob Weinberg, Mays Abu Much, Ashraf Akawi, Rajech Sharkia, Muhammad Mahajnah, 2012).

3. Support from teachers in the classroom: Many students with Autism face ongoing challenges in the classroom. Many children on the spectrum tend to be at a loss on how to deal with social situations in addition to academic assignments. This of course can lead to an increase in behaviors inside and outside of the classroom. Teacher support in the classroom can provide the student a sense of reassurance that their classroom is a safe place to be in addition to a place where they can succeed (Mickaël Jury, Anne-Laure Perrin, Caroline Desombre, Odile Rohmer (2021)).

4. The importance of community personnel: As stated before, autism does not just affect behavior. It can also affect the development of crucial components of development such as speech, fine motor, or gross motor skills. Many children who are diagnosed with autism end up receiving speech therapy of some kind due to being delayed in their communication skills in addition to occupational therapy. In addition to ABA therapy, counseling or psychotherapy may be necessary in order to help the individual learn how to cope effectively with anxiety that comes from change as well as depression (Dieckhaus, Hardy, Anthony, Verbalis, Kenworthy, and Pugliese, (2021)).  

Because Autism involves so many different developmental components, it is necessary to have an effective team that takes all of these necessary elements. Without all of these parts moving together, the chances of the child being able to function confidently may be significantly reduced. Yes, Autism can’t be cured, but there are ways to cope with it. With an effective team and effective treatments, the chances of functioning as well as successfully navigating social situations are increased over time.

  Many parents are devastated when they hear that their child has received a diagnosis of Autism spectrum disorder. For some parents there can be a lingering fear of the future for their child. “Will my child ever have a normal life? Will my child be accepted by others? Will my child ever be able to have relationships with others?” Many of these questions remain unanswered throughout the child’s development. As a clinician, I can honestly say that I do not have any concrete answers to those questions. I can say, however, that there is hope for your child even with all of these challenges.

1. Your child is not defined by their Autism. Autism is merely a diagnosis. It does not have to be the sum and total of who they are. Your child is a complex person with a personality and ever developing mind. They also have gifts and talents that you may not be aware of now, but may become clearer in the future. Focusing on their Autism alone can cause you undue fear and stress as a parent, and cause you to put significant limits on your child.

2. There is treatment for Autism. While Autism can’t be cured, it can be treated. Applied Behavioral Analysis Therapy is the top form of treatment for children on the spectrum, and it has been shown to have very effective results. Many children who go through a ABA program are able to form social skills, better coping skills for change, as well as being able to develop necessary life skills.

3. Redefine your expectations of your child. Many parents have high hopes that their child may do something great when they reach adulthood. Some parents have a very specified picture of what they want their child’s future to look like. With a diagnosis of Autism, that picture can change dramatically. And it has to. Your child may not be able to get into Harvard or even apply to the NASA program, but they may be able to get a decent job and live independently. Your child may not be the next Albert Einstein, but they may excel at playing a musical instrument. Expectations are necessary in order to help your child grow and excel, but high expectations can only lead to discouragement, disappointment, and maybe even resentment.

4. Get support for yourself as a parent. Many parents tend to think that they are only parent with a child with autism when they first get the diagnosis, but this could be further from the truth. With the diagnosis of Autism rapidly on the rise, there are many parents who struggle with navigating their way through 504 plans for school, finding someone qualified to test their child, and scheduling doctor’s appointments with a developmental pediatrician. Fortunately for you, there are several resources and groups for parents that have a child with a diagnosis of Autism. I will be listing some of those resources at the end of this blog post.

5. Put a special focus on your child’s gifts and talents. Many children who have a developmental disability tend to struggle with insecurity about who they are and what they can contribute to the world around them. Others struggle with forming genuine friendships with others due to severe bullying, and isolation. As parents, it’s our jobs to support and love our children through their struggles and give them the encouragement that they need in difficult times. For children with Autism they may need encouragement in finding their own special nitch that they excel in to help them build confidence in themselves. This might involve a little bit of research mixed with trial and error. This might look like parents getting their child involved in special olympics, robotics, or other clubs at school.

6. You are your child’s chief advocate. Many children on the spectrum had difficulty at school mainly to not having a strong voice. This is where you as a parent step in. If your child is not receiving the necessary accommodations or help at school, then you have every right as a parent to ask your child’s principal as well as school staff about what is going on. If your child receives ABA services, then your Board Certified Behavioral Analyst can help you with advocating for your child’s needs as well by providing extra clinical support.

A diagnosis of Autism does not mean that your child can’t succeed in their own right. Fortunately, you as a parent have many different options for getting help for your child as well as help for your family through your child’s growth and development.

List of local Autism Resources:

1. Collaborative Autism Resource and Education

1-877-712-2735

2. Behavioral Innovations (San Antonio location)

5522 Lone Star Parkway Building 3, Suite 101 San Antonio, TX 78253

(855) 782-7822

3. Behavioral Innovations (Castle Hills Location)

11103 West Avenue, Suite 108

San Antonio, TX 78213

(855) 782-7822

4. Behavioral Innovations (Dominion Location)

21727 Interstate 10, Suite 108

San Antonio, TX 78257

(855) 782-7822

5. Behavioral Innovations

1401 Universal City Blvd.

Universal City, TX 78148

(855) 782-7822