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Developing Trust with your Children 

May 10, 2023 by Ashley Bono LPC, LMFT

I’m sure that many of you who read my previous blog on trust with relationships may be thinking, “This woman is officially obsessed with that concept.” And yes, I will say that this concept is important because it is the bedrock of any healthy relationship. But today, I want to focus this blog on one particular relationship: parent and child. Being a family therapist, I see how this relationship can be turned upside down and be toxic at times. But once I clear away all the mess of emotions, I see that one of the biggest problems that leads to the breakdown of this relationship comes from the mindset of, “I don’t trust you and I don’t respect you.” This can come from both sides of the relationship, but it always leads to a breakdown. It’s not uncommon for this mindset to lead to the child never coming back home after they move out, or the parents not communicating with the child for years. The question that we must answer is how do we build trust in this relationship? 

First, we have to value our child as an important member of our lives. How do we do that? We show them through our actions, words, and time that they are important to us. This may mean that we may not be able to focus on our own personal goals for a while or get what we want. But at the end of the day the important thing is that we are showing our family member that they mean something to us. When people know that they are important to that individual, they will know that they can trust that person. 

Second, respect from both parties, goes a long way. Note how I said both. Most parents tend to think that “My kids don’t really deserve my respect.” I’m inclined to disagree. Your children may not have the overall knowledge that comes with living life, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t know something. Also, it is our job as parents to teach them how to make good and informed decisions. This may mean that we have to actually take what our kids are saying and look for the value in it before disparaging it. We also make it a point to create a culture of respect in our homes at all times. We do not allow abusive or degrading behavior to even take route as a way of interacting with each other. This may mean that we have to be firm with our children when they are disrespectful, but it puts a safeguard for the future. 

Third, model how you want your children to treat you and others. I think many parents will agree that their kids are always watching them at some point. And your kids will be able to smell a fake a mile away in terms of whether or not someone really cares. I’m a big believer in parents are the first and biggest teacher of any child’s life. We are responsible for teaching our children how to relate to other people, how to set boundaries, how to treat others with dignity and value, and how to show compassion. The biggest way that we teach is showing them what it looks like. Instead of treating our spouse with disdain, we treat them with the respect and dignity that they are due. We also model how we treat our friends, our family members who are really difficult to deal with, and we model how we respect governing authority. 

Fourth, we make it a point to discipline. Now many of you may be wondering, “How could discipline possibly help with building trust.” Well believe it or not, kids crave structure! They may tell you in many ways that they don’t like rules or boundaries, but deep down inside they crave the safety and security that structure brings. Now there are many different debates on what methods of discipline are the most effective and the least harmful, but the simple goal of discipline is to teach your child right from wrong. This also teaches them that you care more about their overall well-being as an individual to the point where you will do the hard things in order to get them to that good place. 

Finally, we admit that we aren’t perfect and be willing to say that we are wrong sometimes. I think the biggest reassurance that we can give our kids is the sense that we are not perfect, and we are willing to take responsibility to make things right when we get it wrong. Now I know that may hit some of you right where it hurts because who really likes to admit when they get it wrong? But admitting our faults can teach our kids to not always expect perfection out of us, and also teach them to be vulnerable around us. When we are vulnerable, it encourages our kids to do the same thing. 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, trust is essential for us to build strong relationships. It takes time and effort in order to build it, but the work is well worth it. If your children learn to trust you when they are children, then they will be willing to reach out to you when they are adults when they need it. I’m not going to say that this is easy, but it nothing every worth doing or building is. 

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Kathleen Bradford
February 12, 2024

Ray has been an extremely effective therapist utilizing a multitude of different techniques, including talk therapy and EMDR. He is very intuitive, kind, and sensitive to his patient's needs. Cannot recommend him enough.

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Lauren Goodley
February 9, 2024

I love this place. Office is super helpful for scheduling and payments. I do all my appointments online. My counselor Raymund Begaye is always professional and helpful, and offers different therapies including talk therapy and EMDR. Counseling with Ray has improved my quality of life and ability to handle, and enjoy (!), my life.

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Ryan Dicke
February 9, 2024

I have dealt with 2 therapists in the past, and I can tell you from experience that Raymund Begaye is world class. He has all the wisdom, grace and savvy of Hannibal Lector without the cannibalistic tendencies. Always selfless, supportive, and non judgemental, meeting Raymund has been a huge blessing in my life. I know from the bottom of my heart that he got into this business because he cares about people and the human element. He also thinks outside of the box. His knowledge and ability to conduct EMDR sessions have been pure gold. I was skeptical at first about EMDR, but after several sessions with Raymund I can honestly say past traumatic experiences that have kept me in a state of bondage, are not as intense as they once were. Raymund is a true American hero in many ways. He saved many lives fighting for our great country, and he continues to save lives by providing hope to the hopeless.

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Stefanie Anderson
February 9, 2024

I've been seeing Ray for over 3 years now. He has helped me work through so much of my trauma. We started with talk therapy and it was a big help. As we opened up through my past traumas, we utilized the EMDR therapy, and let me tell you, it works wonders. I'm not sure of the exact science behind why EMDR works but I promise it does. I've come along way from the start of my therapy journey. Ray is very patient, understanding, and even when you think he doesn't get it, he does. He's always been very reassuring and has let me ease into dealing with my past. I think I found my therapist for life because before him, I had gone through several therapists that never made me feel like I'm being heard. I would recommend the EMDR therapy to anyone. Thanks InMindOut for employing such a wonderful therapist. Please don't let him go anywhere lol.

Faith Harris
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Faith Harris
February 8, 2024

My therapist has been Ray B since fall of 2021. I was diagnosed with PTSD after the death of my husband. We were together 24 years and have a son. I know I'm alive today thanks to God and Ray. His techniques, patience, experience, care, effort, ideas and many more I can't think of, have been amazing. Ray is a blessing in my life.

Maggie Anaya
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Maggie Anaya
February 3, 2024

Great therapists, always friendly

Charles Earley
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Charles Earley
January 17, 2024

Canceled 3 weeks in a row.

Jessica Wicklund
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Jessica Wicklund
December 25, 2023

I saw your video on FailArmy. Sorry your beautiful ferns got stolen. If I ever make it to your area I’ll have to stop by and check it out. Looks like a cool place!

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