In the short time that I’ve been a therapist, I’ve worked with families of all shapes, sizes, backgrounds, and life stages. There is one life stage in particular that seems particularly tricky for all family members to try and navigate: when the child turns 18. I’ve seen many families go through the turmoil of trying to figure out how to treat their child who is now a legal adult while at the same time trying to not let go too quickly. The two major problems that I see with families who are in this stage of life are the following: letting go too quickly or still trying to control the young adult. Some families have the attitude of, “You’re an adult now. You have to figure this out,” which leaves the young person in a bit of a bind. Just because that child is now an adult, it doesn’t mean that they are 100% ready to stand on their own two feet. Other families have the attitude of, “You’re still a teenager in my eyes until you leave my house,” which tends to hamper the young adult’s ability to make decisions. Neither extreme is good, but there is a balance that can be obtained here in order to make this transition from adolescence to adulthood a little bit smoother.
1. Both parents and children need to make their expectations of each other known before the child turns 18. I’m a big fan of saying that preparation is a step in the right direction. The day that a child becomes an adult is a time of excitement, but it is also a great source of stress. This is mainly due to the idea that the child is not legally bound to the parents, and they can make their own decisions, which means that the parents cannot force their now adult child to do anything. Because of this, it is necessary for children and parents to have a conversation of how things are going to work out in the house after the child becomes an adult. Additionally, all adults need to have a say in how the home system will work. Note how I said all adults. All the adults’ needs and expectations are important to say out loud in order to feel heard.
2. Let’s agree to disagree. This is slowly becoming a dying art in our culture when it comes to viewpoints and opinions. And sadly, this lack of trying to understand and a huge dose of personal pride only gets in the way of our ability to connect as individuals and as family. Parents, you may not agree with everything that your child believes and thinks in terms of politics, life choices, or even who they choose to date. It is not your job, however, to convince them about why you think your way is right. It is your job to share the truth about things, lovingly. Adult children, I go back to my previous statement. You may not always agree with what your parents think and that is your right. However, it doesn’t mean that you need to get them to go along with what you think or what you want. It is your job to share the truth lovingly as well. If you all cannot agree on something, then be willing to agree to disagree and just leave the matter alone.
3. Be willing to set boundaries with each other. I know that I’ve written about boundaries before, and I will continue writing about this concept until the day that I retire. However, this concept still remains an elusive one for many people. Boundaries are an essential component of relational health and well being. And we all have a right to set them. I put that last phrase in bold print because I think we tend to stay stuck in the mindset of, “I am the only one that has a right to set boundaries. No one else does.” And even sadder still, many parents adopt this mindset when it comes to their adult child. Remember, your child is now an adult and they do have a right to set boundaries with you and with others. And you, parents, do have a right to set boundaries with your adult children. The challenge is how to work around those boundaries in order to develop a closer bond with each other. That challenge is not impossible to overcome. It takes a lot of work and patience which is necessary in order to have a healthy relationship.
3. Be willing to set boundaries with each other. I know that I’ve written about boundaries before, and I will continue writing about this concept until the day that I retire. However, this concept still remains an elusive one for many people. Boundaries are an essential component of relational health and well being. And we all have a right to set them. I put that last phrase in bold print because I think we tend to stay stuck in the mindset of, “I am the only one that has a right to set boundaries. No one else does.” And even sadder still, many parents adopt this mindset when it comes to their adult child. Remember, your child is now an adult and they do have a right to set boundaries with you and with others. And you, parents, do have a right to set boundaries with your adult children. The challenge is how to work around those boundaries in order to develop a closer bond with each other. That challenge is not impossible to overcome. It takes a lot of work and patience which is necessary in order to have a healthy relationship.
5. Be ready to show grace and mercy as your family moves through this stage of change. Change is not easy for anyone to maneuver. This life stage is especially difficult. Parents are now learning to be a friend to their adult child instead of having authority or taking care of them. This is not an easy thing to do at all. For some parents, it is terrifying to let their young adult child go and make decisions on their own. For others, it’s a roller coaster of arguments and disagreements because each member of the family has their own way of doing things, and they all want to be right. But we must be willing to show grace (i.e. unmerited favor) and mercy (i.e. being willing to show undeserved kindness and compassion) to our family members and to ourselves despite the circumstances, behaviors, or words.
I know these steps are not easy ones to follow, but they are doable. It takes time, effort, and a willingness to help facilitate a healthy launch for the adult child and a healthy relationship between family members. They can also help with developing and facilitating the most important ingredient to healthy relationships: trust.