Shifting the Goal of Attention:
- Ignore child when using misbehavior to get attention
- Pay attention to child when they are not asking for attention
- “Say it” only once and then act
- Set up routines
- Plan special times to play and let them lead
- Use encouragement, not praise
- Return responsibility to the child
- Redirect by involving the child in a useful task
- Set up nonverbal signals
- Encourage internal locus of evaluation
- Play games where the child has to evaluate their own success/ progress
- Tell stories about a character who demands attention and it backfires
- Read bibliotherapy stories about characters who demand attention
Shifting The Goal of Power
- Don’t escalate, defuse
- Take a time out
- Model good anger management
- Suggest a time for a rational discussion
- Act, don’t talk
- Let routines be the boss
- Get help from the child to set a few reasonable limits
- Follow through on agreement every time
- Hold family meetings
- Establish power sharing in the relationship and play games that require sharing power
- Play games requiring rule-governed behavior and games that have an element of chance to outcome
- When a child “changes rules” you get an equal number of rule changes you can do
- Use the whisper technique
- Return responsibility to the child
Shifting the Goal of Revenge
- Don’t take anything personally
- Be scrupulously fair
- Reflect feelings, reflect feelings, reflect feelings
- Make a list of positives about the child to reground yourself in caring about the child
- Offer chances to help others
- Involve child in problem-solving
- Never retaliate or escalate
- Acknowledge their hurtful act and link it to the likelihood that they must be hurting
- Explore their hurt
- Share your feelings