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Shifting Goals of Misbehavior

June 16, 2022 by Melinda Schoppe

Shifting the Goal of Attention:

  • Ignore child when using misbehavior to get attention
  • Pay attention to child when they are not asking for attention
  • “Say it” only once and then act
  • Set up routines
  • Plan special times to play and let them lead
  • Use encouragement, not praise
  • Return responsibility to the child
  • Redirect by involving the child in a useful task
  • Set up nonverbal signals
  • Encourage internal locus of evaluation
  • Play games where the child has to evaluate their own success/ progress
  • Tell stories about a character who demands attention and it backfires
  • Read bibliotherapy stories about characters who demand attention

Shifting The Goal of Power

  • Don’t escalate, defuse
  • Take a time out
  • Model good anger management
  • Suggest a time for a rational discussion
  • Act, don’t talk
  • Let routines be the boss
  • Get help from the child to set a few reasonable limits
  • Follow through on agreement every time
  • Hold family meetings
  • Establish power sharing in the relationship and play games that require sharing power
  • Play games requiring rule-governed behavior and games that have an element of chance to outcome
  • When a child “changes rules” you get an equal number of rule changes you can do
  • Use the whisper technique
  • Return responsibility to the child

Shifting the Goal of Revenge

  • Don’t take anything personally
  • Be scrupulously fair
  • Reflect feelings, reflect feelings, reflect feelings
  • Make a list of positives about the child to reground yourself in caring about the child
  • Offer chances to help others
  • Involve child in problem-solving
  • Never retaliate or escalate
  • Acknowledge their hurtful act and link it to the likelihood that they must be hurting
  • Explore their hurt
  • Share your feelings

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