InMindOut Blog

Suicide is an uncomfortable fact of our society. We love to treat it like the boogey man and shove it underneath the proverbial bed, away from everyday life. We are terrified to even let the word pass our lips. If we hear people talking about the very subject of suicide, we abruptly try to change topics or try to make the person talking about it “feel better.” This has resulted in many people hiding the struggle that they are currently experiencing in order to stay alive. Unfortunately, that one attempt that loved one or friend makes to talk to us about what is going on may be the only time that they reach out for help before taking their own life. Sadly, due to COVID and all the political unrest in our country today, many people are asking themselves the question of why even bother staying alive. The main question that we must take time to answer is, “How can I help those who are hurting?” I think we all can agree that we can’t avoid this issue any longer, and there are times when we may not be able to keep someone from committing suicide. But we can still let those who are contemplating taking their own lives that they are loved and we want them here with us. Below are just some ideas that you can use when dealing with this situation.

1. When someone tells you that they’ve been thinking about suicide, don’t overreact or panic. Many people who come forward to talk about suicide are already struggling with the worry of possibly being judged by others or having their pain minimized, or worse feeling like their sense of control being taken away. If someone you love tells you that that they have been struggling with suicidal thoughts, try saying something like, “Thank you for letting me know about this. Can you tell me more about what has been happening?” Just this question alone can get someone to open up about how serious these thoughts really are.

2. Don’t promise to fix a situation that you can’t fix. A lot of people who struggle with suicidal thoughts tend to think that their situation is hopeless. Promising to help them change the entire situation puts you in a difficult spot and could set the individual up for even more emotional problems. Asking the question, “How do you want to be helped?” can help you see where the person is at and what actions they consider to be helpful.

3. If your friend or loved one has told you about a plan to commit suicide and they have the means to do so, then contact emergency services or take them to the emergency room. Some family members may have problems with doing this, but any suicide plan should be considered as an immediate threat. If you have any resistance from that family member or friend, you can always say, “I care about you and your safety above all else. I can’t ignore something like this especially when your safety is at risk.”

4. If your family member or loved one does not have a plan to commit suicide, don’t be afraid to have a safety plan put in place. There are templates that you can download online and have

your family member or loved one fill out. This can also help you with knowing what are your loved ones warning signs that they are in a dangerous state of mind. If you ever feel concerned about your loved one and their state of mind, you can take them to a mental health professional such as a counselor, psychiatrist, or even an emergency room to see if they need to be further evaluated. Once a plan is put together, make sure that you, your loved one, and another point person have a copy of the plan and be ready to act on the it in case of a crisis.

5. Don’t be afraid to get help for your loved one or friend. Suicidal ideation is a very risky and very difficult situation to maneuver, and if you don’t feel comfortable or feel like you have the ability to help then don’t put yourself in that position. You can still provide support in other ways such as taking them to their counseling appointments, or checking in with them every day through phone or video chat. Never underestimate the power of a caring attitude or actions in this case.

Suicide is a reality that we all must face at some point. It can be very difficult for any of us to speak about due to our culture being hyper focused on what makes us comfortable or happy. In order to provide help to our loved ones and friends who struggle with this, we have to be willing to be present in their pain with them. This doesn’t mean that we take on their pain. It just means that we show them that it’s okay to hurt, but this hurt is temporary

     When I say the word “family,” I’m sure that several different feelings come to mind. Let’s be real here, family can either bring the greatest joy to our lives or the greatest amount of pain. I’ll bet that many of you who are reading this post started thinking of all the awkward Thanksgiving dinners or holidays that you’ve had to stomach through with that one family member that always manages to get under your skin. For others, many of you are remembering very traumatic events that you’ve suffered at the hands of some family members, and you are having a hard time forgiving them.

I think the burning question that we all have is how can we possibly get along with people that we can’t stand in our families? I would like to answer that question with a question. Is it that we are trying to just simply get along with difficult family members, or are we simply coping with being around them until we can leave? One instance involves you actually pursuing a relationship with that family member, while the other implies that you’ve given up on the relationship and are simply just tolerating being around them. Whatever the case may be, there are ways to work around the conflict and possibly end up with what we all want in the end: peace of mind.

1. Know what your limits are in terms of how you interact with this family member. We all have limits or areas in our lives where other people are not welcome. And that is perfectly okay! When it comes to that difficult family member, you don’t have to let them into places of your life where you are not comfortable with them being. You have every right to say the word “no” if you need to.

2. It’s okay to say what you feel. Your feelings are your own. No one can own them for you and no one can express them on your behalf. It is important, however, that when you express them that you do so in a way that is not cruel or hateful to others. In fact, expressing your feelings to this family member may help with resolving the conflict between you two. I do have to issue a disclaimer, though, expressing your feelings may help with resolving the issue, but that does not necessarily mean that will be the case. If anything, it can help start changing things within the family.

3. If a family member has a habit of abusing you, you have every right to put an end to it. Abuse in any form is unacceptable and no one should put up with it. If this family member always has a habit of verbally abusing you during family functions, you have every right to say that you will not be attending any family functions that they will be attending if they continue. If there is actual danger from this family member abusing you, you have every right to contact local law enforcement in order to ensure your safety. If there has been a history of abuse, you have every right to set limits with this family member in terms of how much time you spend around them.

4. Don’t focus on the past and hold a grudge. Holding a grudge is like drinking a poison that the offending person was supposed to drink. They never die, but we slowly die on the inside. This is where forgiveness is very important. I know what you may be thinking, “Forgive them? You’ve got to be joking!” No, I’m not joking. Forgiveness is incredibly important for us to be able to move on and heal. The important thing to understand is that forgiveness is a process and it could take years for you to be able to do that. Forgiveness also does not mean that you reconcile with the person that hurt you or excuse their behavior away. It just means that you are not holding the past against a person in order to set yourself free to live your life.

As I said earlier on in our conversation, being around our families can be tough. There are some things, however, that it is important for use to realize when handling less than ideal family situations. We are valuable members of our families, and we are entitled to respect and dignity from all of our family members. This may look different from family to family, but it is essential for all of us to do our parts in order to resolve conflict accordingly.

     As adults we can very firmly attest that grief is hard enough for us to understand or heal from. Can you imagine what it is like for a child or teenager to move through those difficult stages? The challenge that children face whenever they are going through grief is that depending on their age, they do not understand the permanency of death. A second challenge that children face is that they don’t have a firm grasp or understanding of their emotions. This leaves us, as adults and as parents, how do we help our children through this difficult process?

1. If your kids cry, let them cry. Our feelings are meant to be felt! This includes feelings of hurt, anger, and sadness. Our children must be allowed to feel their emotions even if they are not pleasant.

2. Don’t be afraid to have a tough, feelings talk. As a parent, you are the one that your children want to talk to whenever they feel difficult feelings. You are the one that they want to know is going to be there for them through the tough times. Don’t be afraid to just sit and listen to your children talk about their raw feelings about the loss, and don’t be afraid to tell them that it’s okay to feel pain.

3. Don’t ever underestimate the power of touch. Some children need a hug in order to feel safe and secure from unsure world around them. That’s where you, mom and dad, come in. A hug from you can help your child feel the safety that they crave during times of grief. Sometimes the best thing that you can do for your child during times of grief is to hold them and let them cry if that is what they need.

4. Trust your child’s skills. We must be willing to trust our children to be able to say what it is that will help them heal. We also have to trust our kids to be their own problem solvers. This is especially true during times of pain. If your child is struggling with a painful situation, you can always ask these questions, “What do you need from me right now? How do you want to solve this problem?” You might be surprised what your children will tell you.

No matter what the circumstances may be, never underestimate your power as a parent in your child’s life. Times of pain are crucial for parents to be involved. At the end of the day, any child needs one very important thing: their parents.

     I think we can all agree on this one statement: grief is a messy process. There are days when you feel like you can’t get out of bed to live in the real world due to the pain. There are other days when you are so angry that you can’t even say a civil word to your family members or friends. And there are days when you feel so happy and energetic that you don’t want to stay indoors. The constant up and down stages can leave us reeling and exhausted. Worse it can leave us feeling very out of control of our lives. The real question is how do we handle the roller coaster that is grief without losing our minds in the process? Below are some tips and tricks that you can include in your grief survival kit.

1. Tears are not your enemy, they are your friend. Many times we try to suppress our tears because we don’t like the thought of being weak or we are afraid of not stopping. Weeping during times of great loss is extremely important to processing and recognizing the loss that we have been through. It is not a weakness to feel hurt and sadness.

2. Take the process slowly, there’s not rush to recover. Depending on who/what we lost and how that loss took place, it could take years for us to recover. That is okay! There are going to be times when you may feel that you’ve jumped a few steps backwards in the grief process. Just remember that grief is exactly that; a process! We must be willing to take our time and allow our hurt to run its course.

3. Surround yourself with loved ones and friends. This process is not one that you can endure by yourself. Reaching out to friends and family is a necessity during this roller coaster process. They are the ones that can keep us grounded, and may even help us with looking at the loss from a different perspective. They are also the ones that will not allow us to retreat further into ourselves.

4. How do you want to use this loss? Do you want to be a better person at the end of the grieving process? Do you want to be a person that your deceased loved one can be proud of? These are all questions that it is important to answer. Loss does not mean that we stay stuck in the situation that we are currently in. Rather it can be used as a foundation to help us grow and change.

5. Try things that you may not have been able to do before the loss. Trying new things that we’ve always wanted to do, but have not been able to can help us discover new things about ourselves. This is especially important to do when we’ve lost something or someone. Taking the opportunity to try new things also helps us with moving forward onto new goals and new heights.

I have been watching the recovery of the Floridian building collapse with great sadness.  It reminds me so much of  April 1995 in Oklahoma City. I was in Oklahoma City during the time of the bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah building.  A friend of mine was a police officer and a first responder to the tragedy.  He told me of other first responders who continued to have a hard time with what they witnessed and were later diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

     One of the first understanding of PTSD came out of World War One when soldiers were diagnosed with “shellshock” after experiencing on going anxiety reactions to the trauma of war.  The trauma would come back to the soldiers in the form of a nightmare of flash back.  The anxiety reactions interfered with relationship and work and the day to day of life.

   Humans react to life threatening experiences (i.e. surviving war combat, or a sexual assault) with fight, flight or freeze.  Scientist have discovered that severe experiences of trauma and or long-term exposure to trauma can change brain chemistry and this in turn can contribute to port-traumatic stress. People who have survived a traumatic event which has been outside of their control and are experiencing emotional problems could be experiencing PTSD.   

    We all react to trauma differently and everyone processes the events of trauma differently. If emotional reactions continue beyond a month, then it is important to look at the symptoms and see if they point to PTSD. Does the trauma keep coming back in the form of nightmares or flashbacks or images?  Are you easily startled or have a hard time sleeping? Are you feeling numb or detached? Are you having a hard time falling asleep or easily angered? Are you having problems with relationships and or work; functioning in daily life? The individual symptoms do not stand alone as indicators of PTSD but may be a sign it is time to talk with a mental health professional about how the trauma is still affecting you.

   PTSD can be treated with therapy and medication.  EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a kind of psychotherapy that has been successful in treating PTSD.  Utilizing “bilateral stimulation” EMDR helps a person process the trauma instead of being stuck in reliving it.

   Recovery from PTSD can happen.  When clients can talk about the trauma with out feeling very up set or numb and are able to feel safe and are able to function better in day-to-day life, then the client is on the road of recovery.

As a therapist, there are times when I have to inform a parent that their child has been the victim of a traumatic event. The reactions that come up in the session room can range from angry to completely devastated that their child has been hurt. Also, depending on the trauma, many parents may find themselves in a situation where they are at a complete loss of what to do or even what to say. So many questions come up. How did this happen? Why my child? How can I take away their pain? Will we ever go back to the way things were?

This brings to mind a very important question, how do we help our children recover from trauma? What are some things to keep in mind? Below I’ve written some tips for parents who are struggling with helping their child recover from trauma.

1. Don’t blame yourself for the trauma if you are not responsible for it. Many parents will blame themselves for a trauma that was caused by an extended family member or by someone outside of the family. Blaming yourself for what happened is not productive and only makes you sink lower into a depressive state. It is important to put the responsibility for the trauma in the hands of the person or thing that perpetrated it.

1. Do not deviate from routine if you can help it. Many times parents’ first instinct when it comes to trauma is to deviate from routine and rules in order to “give the child time to heal.” This does not help. Many children who experience trauma prefer to have things go back to the way that they were before all the trauma occurred. This gives them a sense that things are still “normal” between them and their parents. That doesn’t mean that some rules don’t need to change at all. In fact, some rules may need to change in order to accommodate a change that resulted from the trauma itself. If this happens, then it is important to at least talk to the child who went through the trauma to see what changes might need to made in order to help them feel safe.

1. Continue to see your child as your child. Many parents tend to be afraid of how to communicate with their child as well as how to treat them after they have been victimized. At the end of the day, your child is still your child. This means that the very core of who they are has not changed. They are still the same little one that you love and that is a part of you. Keep this in mind as you help them recover. They may not be the same as they were before because of the trauma, but they can grow stronger as result of you being who you are to them.

1. Build a mindset of recovery in your child. The temptation of many people who endure trauma is to be stuck in the mindset of a victim. This mindset does not lend itself towards recovery. Instead, focusing on seeing your child as a survivor and an over-comer can help them recover from what happened. While they will not forget about what happened, they can overcome the past and press forward with their future.

A traumatic experience is a horrible situation for anyone. It can be hard for anyone, child or adult, to recover from but it is not impossible. The important thing for any parent whose child has suffered from trauma is to be there and be present for them.